how much power are you placing outside of yourself? how much are you deferring to another person, to some thing, or even to the universe instead of owning it yourself?
while i am so grateful for having grown my ability to feel and work with my intuition, energy, and the universe, i realized that i’ve largely worked with and considered them at the exclusion of my own agency (paradoxical, right?). can intuition, energy, and the universe be wielded with agency? of course. over the last few months, however, i saw that i’ve been too much in the flowy feminine (where intuition and feelings live) and lacking the initiative, action, and decision making of more masculine energy to really own myself and my life and live inside of it.
what’s tricky is that i’ve seen the magic that comes from being in real alignment and flow with the feminine; seeing how easily i could manifest when i’m just regular with my qigong practice got me spoiled and missing the big picture; in believing in the universe so hard, i somehow calculated a belief system that i could just sit around and not do shit— including my practices— and the universe would just come and get me when it was time and fix / do my life for me. i’ve been sitting here banking on being saved, y’all. i was pretty convinced.
i’ve waited a few years and through this distortion, i made myself lazy, complacent, avoidant, confused, and disempowered. it’s not that i’ve done nothing to progress my life in the direction i want over the last few years— i absolutely have done some things— but i have not nearly applied myself in the way that i could and should have been.
it’s significant to note that i’m not a fan of hustle or busyness as a lifestyle. it’s not for me. i did and still do believe that one can work smarter versus harder— and that a lot of the “smarter” part can be managed and led by the universe, energy, and intuition. that said, the human we each embody needs to take some responsibility for the physical and mental contributions required to initiate, progress, and complete things. these contributions must be intentional and consistent. a part of me always knew this but somehow thought i could do the absolute least and get away with it. i now know better.
interesting how we can use practices and belief systems that are otherwise meant to be healing and empowering to support our fears and challenging conditioning; how working with energy and the universe somehow insidiously became covers for my self-avoidance, feelings of inadequacy, fear of success / failure, and my lack of belief in my own capacity and potential. i needed someone or something else to do my life for me and let me hide under the covers and collect the rewards. hwhat?
so, this 2020, my greatness is in collecting my entire self and taking some responsibility. first starts with my holistic health— body, mind, spirit— because that is the place from which all else springs (probably more on this later). whatever this generally and comparatively unsexy initiative yields this year, is fine with me. anyone else been feeling outside cultural pressure to solve and achieve their entire life within in the confines of a single year that is 2020? i’m cool.