“check in on your black friends” is often a top listed action item on certain anti-racist response graphics. respectfully, i’d like to offer some insight here— insight that is largely gleaned from listening to my black peers.
white folk and non-black people of color (nbpoc)— i'm talking to us.
to preface, please forgive me for any errors and know i am clear that i do not speak for black people; i am simply doing my best to be an advocate when black folk, including those i know and love, are very very tired.
firsthand accounts from black women
upon publishing this piece, a few firsthand narratives from black women on this same topic have landed on my radar. these pieces offer context into the lived experiences, which inspired me to write this blog post in the first place;
hearing from me on this topic will never be the same as hearing about it directly from black people. read these pieces and take them in. also, let this serve as friendly reminder that we need to be much, much better at listening to black women.
priska neely: i don't need your check in texts on the cut really paints a picture and tells a story of what it can feel like at a time like now, guides the reader on the type of self-inquiry required to make more empathetic decisions, and addresses the nuance of the workplace.
kat vellos: how to help your black friends and non-black friends today on we should get together. the first part breaks down, in detail, how to do the work by having tough conversations about racism. the second part gives incredible detailed insights and sample scripts for checking in with your black friends.
many thanks to destiny arturet and jillian richardson for bringing this work to my attention.
checking in irresponsibly & thoughtlessly
it seems as though many people are taking the invitation to check in without considering nuance or context; black people are not a monolith— everyone needs something different. checking in without careful consideration of individual needs can quickly spiral into virtue signaling— trying to fulfill the “activism due diligence checklist” so you can look and feel good; by checking in thoughtlessly, you’ve now just weaponized this tool to help soothe your white/non-black person of color guilt.
out of the blue check in's
firstly, go ahead and do not “check in” with the one black person you know but never talk to, or someone from way back like high school. at best, ask said person for their venmo or paypal so you can send them some reparations along with your love. note: "it's a bit taboo in much of europe to send money," says my comrade, amelia ideh.
otherwise, you are engaging in a highly insensitive ego massage that defers your discomfort and required labor onto a black person who is quite possibly in great pain. rather than a thoughtful action, this kind of out of the blue “check in” is violent and tantamount to abuse; many folks are physiologically, psychologically, energetically, and spiritually in trauma response. in the current climate, “beyond spent” doesn’t even quite cover it.
guilt-driven & inconsiderate check in's
now, for a conversation about your actual black friends and black folk who are part of your present day life in some way— colleagues, coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances, etc.
i’ve been hearing about black folks, including my own friends, receiving lots of random, guilt-driven, and/or well-meaning-but-a-lot “check in’s.” these kind of check in’s can be exhausting and aggravating as fuck. so before you check in, take several pauses— especially if you aren’t in someone’s life like that.
how are you?
do not message, “how are you?”— this is often a triggering, heavy, and complicated question with mixed, ever-changing, still-in-process answers. and if someone does desire to express their feelings, i imagine that the preferred domain for this is often black-only safe spaces— understand and respect that. further, know that the answer to this question is typically some version of “not well.” it should be obvious that black people, in general, are not well these days. please realize that “how are you” can feel incredibly disrespectful in our current climate— or just overwhelming.
many black folks don’t want to do the labor of answering ‘how they are’ just so you can feel complete— they’re trying to understand their own feelings and keep their own peace by any means. think survival mode, for many folks.
our inner alarm system: threat processing & survival response
just because people are in their homes does not mean that the very real biochemical and energetic reactions associated with an imminent threat to one’s actual life are not there; think cortisol, adrenaline, biochemical alarm system, fight/flight/freeze, trauma, ptsd. that is all extremely present for many people right now. by the way, breonna taylor was murdered at her own home while in bed. safety eludes black life in america, entirely.
feel free to look up the “amygdala hijack” and how our bodies respond to challenging thoughts and feelings as simple as, “she doesn’t like me;” something that feels like a perceived threat to our identity and worth can ramp up our whole system— to varying degrees, depending on the intensity of the trigger— with the same flood of chemicals that are produced when our life is actually in danger. though dated in certain respects, this is an evolutionary protection mechanism inherited from our ancestors (who more often experienced threats to their lives, like being eaten by a bear).
so now, imagine this inner alarm system when there is an actual threat on your life. imagine the threat is unrelenting and ever-present— so much so, that the inner alarm becomes part of your default state of being in some way. that's what it is to be black in america— constantly in fight or flight, constantly re-triggered, constantly ramping up, constantly defending your right to live.
sorry
do not message, “sorry”— most black folks i know don’t want or need a sorry; they are looking for deep personal inquiry, real action, and tangible transformative change. your best "sorry" is doing the work.
i'm so angry
do not message, “i’m so angry”— congrats. many people don’t care for your sudden rage (they wonder where it was all this time); and regardless, they often don’t have the space or desire to center your feelings and hold your frustration, too— black folks got plenty of their own.
what can i do?
do not message, “what can i do?” or “how can i help?”— that is your job to find out. there are currently so many anti-racist resources online that it’s overwhelming. google, social media— it’s quite easy. one option: sign up for nicole cardoza’s anti-racism daily action email newsletter.
i'm in shock
do not message, “i’m in shock” or “i can’t believe this is happening”— this usually feels like an insult, and quite clearly demonstrates that you haven’t been paying enough attention to the world around us, since maybe, forever. this message is particularly abusive.
offering messages like those above can feel like you’re looking for a black person to offer you absolution from your guilt and personal responsibility— and maybe, unconsciously, you are; get clear on your ego and where you might be centering your own discomfort under the facade of concern.
some loose analogies to consider before reaching out
it can be difficult to digest what it’s like to be black in america at times like this— in truth, white folk and non-black people of color will never really know. some loose analogies for additional perspective:
consider the sensitivity and mindfulness you would use to determine your words and actions if the same friend’s parent or child had just died. depending on who you’re talking to and the particulars of your relationship, this might be the kind of energy you need to come with. also recognize the possibility that these state sanctioned killings feel deeper and more layered than familial loss for some people— at least in a sense.
i also invite you to look at black reality in america as the slow, calculated genocide of black people. does “how are you?” or “sorry” sound appropriate here? does it seem kind?
at the end of the day, there are not going to be any clear answers or absolutes in such situations, but i hope that these analogies will help offer further insight into how carefully you need to consider your actions and words prior to possible reach outs during sensitive times. allow these perspectives to serve as an additional filters in your decision making and discernment.
intuition is king, space is awesome
above all, use your intuition: every relationship is different and each person has different needs. listen to the nuance. also know that sometimes, for some people, giving lots of space is the best course of action— at least for a period of time.
saying "i see you" by doing the work
possibly the best “i see you” we can offer our black friends is to visibly show our genuine support and advocacy, educate our communities about anti-racism and progressive action, and publicly demonstrate how we are engaging the work in our personal lives and our communities. especially in a time like right now, when all we have is social media and the internet. that said, humble quiet learning, rich dialogue, and meaningful action in our private time is paramount; everything in its right place.
honest action— online and offline— can often mean much much more than an “obligatory” check in that a meme instructed you to do as an action item.
a carefully considered check-in
time & place
if a check in feels right, then move on to considering appropriate timing and venue (text, email, phone call, voice note). sometimes, tracking your friends’ socials and seeing where they’re at mentally and emotionally can help determine the right time and place. normally, i prefer texts or voice notes in such situations because they are more personal than social media while also giving people lots of space to choose how, when, and if to respond.
sample message
in your message, you might offer something like, “no response expected: i am thinking of you. if you want, please let me know how i can best support you.” this is by far not a one size fits all message, but allow it to offer some inspiration.
a rough checklist
a working checklist you can play with when crafting your message:
- be brief
- be loving, kind, and compassionate
- offer something specific
- don’t center yourself
- don’t defer labor (would you want to spend your time answering a bunch of questions in a raw state?)
- don’t be overzealous (it comes across fake / performed / wanting to be seen as “good”)
- give the person an out (so they don’t feel pressured to respond)
but seriously, do the work
i’ve also heard some black folks say that if a white/nbpoc person is going to “check in” with them, they want to hear about the anti-racist work they’re doing; this sort of “reporting” may apply more in a case where the relationship isn’t as close and/or if you haven’t previously said or done much to instill faith in your commitment to being anti-racist. i imagine this most often applies to certain acquaintances and colleagues. but also, close friends who don’t really talk about race is definitely a thing— be mindful if you’re in that boat.
honoring individual needs & getting out of the way
before you send any message, think and feel. i know my community likes feelings and intuition and things! determine and then honor your friend’s individual needs— like actually, actually. as a person who likes a lot of space, i hate feeling put upon by someone trying to “help.” so my default in life is to give people lots of space, especially at a time like right now when black people might feel more safety, ease, and understanding with their black kinfolk. don’t let that hurt your feelings. and if it does, work through why it has to be about you even when it’s black people who are being executed.
varying dynamics & understandings
dynamics across relationships and even within a single relationship vary— they can also shift and change over time. a cataclysm (like now) can also entirely alter the fabric and course of a lifelong relationship; what you thought your bestie needed— and what might have even worked at another time or for another circumstance— might not apply at all right now. that’s how great the chasm between the white/nbpoc experience and the actual lived black experience can be. that’s how much understanding we lack— which makes anti-racist study and practice further critical.
read signals & take their lead
you must use your intuition— and communication skills, when appropriate— to understand signals and take the lead of your black friends; when reading people’s social media to see where they’re at, you’ll find that some folks are outright saying what they need and what they don’t need in plain language.
varying, ever-changing, & overlapping needs
- some folks want a check in (even repeated ones)
- some folks want a distraction or a momentary break (spoiler: black people never get an actual break from being black)
- some folks want hella space and to be alone
- some folks only want to talk with black friends
- some folks only want to talk with bipoc friends
- some folks are waiting to hear even a peep from their silent white friends
- some folks want funny animal videos (c/o: amelia ideh)
- some folks seek joy as both healing and resistance
- some folks are looking for any semblance of normalcy
- some folks don’t know what they want
- and some folks don’t have the energy for anything (there can be a lot of naps and sleep in this case)
many folks traverse amongst these different wants and needs across time and even in a single day; carrying unrelenting trauma as a seeming prerequisite for your existence is not a predictable thing.
black people are not a monolith
i cannot stress enough that best supporting our black friends means treating them as individuals, case-by-case— it requires deep listening as well as the openness and ability to constantly adapt.
be easy & don't press
like i said, i know what it feels like to be put upon by others when you are going through it. and it is one of the most burdensome and aggravating things in life. aggressively trying to check in or pushing a conversation that someone doesn’t want or isn’t ready for in the spirit of “helping” is pure egoism and saviorism. it is not about the person you are trying to help at all— rather, you’ve made it all about you. it is extremely frustrating and a boundary violation. allow people to be the experts on themselves. saviorism is tired— let’s let that die, k?
love on people without being extra & weird
as my beautiful friend vasha said, perhaps one of the best ways we can show up for our black friends and colleagues is by “loving folks without being weird and excessive. just love on people.” i’ll leave the interpretation up to you and your inner wisdom— i know you got it.