life as it is

i often don’t know how i’m going to pay my bills. sometimes i don’t know if i will. but i always do.

knowing i always have a choice in how to expend my energy, i respond by orienting my thoughts towards what i *do* want and what i *can* do.

it saves me and keeps me sane every time.

in the last 9 years of being a full-time freelancer, i’ve learned to shift many of my perspectives in order to survive this whimsical, demanding, unpredictable life i’ve chosen.

so now, i stop to take a moment of gratitude every time i deposit a check and every time i pay my rent.

most recently, i’m recognizing that the life i’ve had for the last few years and the life i have today, *is* my life.

doesn’t mean i can’t change things, that i can’t fulfill dreams, that i can’t grow, that i can’t want more.

it does mean that the life to be lived and be present in and grateful for is the one that i have right now. like, now now.

this is it.

this. is. it.

be here now.

wherever you go, there you are.

all such things collide *here*

what are you doing with the you you’ve got right now?

i am being nice to myself? present to myself? fully experiencing myself, others, and this world? both the grandeur and minutiae? 

presence. that’s my word for the year, though i try to escape it for words like “abundance” sometimes. presence chose me. it knows i need it.

full time freelance life has forced me to take stock of my blessings much more than i used to. and i’m ever grateful for that, too.

best wishes to all my creative comrades out here living to dream and dreaming to live. <3

empty spaces stay empty.

people, food, sleep, tv, internet, social media scrolling, podcasts, music, books, shopping, sex, alcohol, drugs...

any person, thing, or activity can be empty if it is not what’s in true alignment for you in a given moment. it doesn’t matter whether or not the object of your attention is toxic or unhealthy— escapism is still escape; it’s still distraction, diversion of your attention from some sort of truth you are avoiding or maybe even actively running from. i feel you, i feel you so much.

what are all the ways you are escaping yourself? how are you hiding from the quiet space that appears when you just *stop*? that place where you’re forced to sit with your truth, your thoughts, your fears, your insecurities, your unanswered questions, and all your other unresolved edges?

you already know that everything you ignore is still alive, manifesting in an array of shades in your life— no matter how far you push yourself down. so the question becomes:

would you rather be perpetually teetering, running after yourself cleaning up arbitrary messes as you juggle the storm of your life— or could you be open to greeting the storm within so your life might meet an ease and joy greater than you could ever imagine?