life as it is

i often don’t know how i’m going to pay my bills. sometimes i don’t know if i will. but i always do.

knowing i always have a choice in how to expend my energy, i respond by orienting my thoughts towards what i *do* want and what i *can* do.

it saves me and keeps me sane every time.

in the last 9 years of being a full-time freelancer, i’ve learned to shift many of my perspectives in order to survive this whimsical, demanding, unpredictable life i’ve chosen.

so now, i stop to take a moment of gratitude every time i deposit a check and every time i pay my rent.

most recently, i’m recognizing that the life i’ve had for the last few years and the life i have today, *is* my life.

doesn’t mean i can’t change things, that i can’t fulfill dreams, that i can’t grow, that i can’t want more.

it does mean that the life to be lived and be present in and grateful for is the one that i have right now. like, now now.

this is it.

this. is. it.

be here now.

wherever you go, there you are.

all such things collide *here*

what are you doing with the you you’ve got right now?

i am being nice to myself? present to myself? fully experiencing myself, others, and this world? both the grandeur and minutiae? 

presence. that’s my word for the year, though i try to escape it for words like “abundance” sometimes. presence chose me. it knows i need it.

full time freelance life has forced me to take stock of my blessings much more than i used to. and i’m ever grateful for that, too.

best wishes to all my creative comrades out here living to dream and dreaming to live. <3

be tender with the spaces in between

be tender with the spaces in between

stop and

look at them

hold them

get to know them

be there for them;

they are a thing worth love.

to be real, my whole last few years have felt like a big ass in between; transitional. liminal. unclear. slow as entire fuck.

it’s required a ton of patience from me and endless reminders to not judge myself or the process. a lot of losing hope and then fighting to gain it back— often only sort of as time goes on and i become weary. relative neutrality or not feeling bad is usually a win i happily take.

with so much time passed, i realize there is nothing left but surrender (and also blowing up the paradigm of my life— more on that one day, once i’ve cracked that code). in this space i remember that *this* is my life; whatever i got right now is it— however it is. and it is blessed because i get to have it.

so then, how am i spending time with what i’ve got right now? am i going to keep just watching my life pass me by, mad and confused that my life and i are not doing what i want at any given moment— or am i going to choose to look at each in between moment and each in between feeling that i don’t fully understand right now with love?

if i can keep that glimmer of hope, i can remember that these in between moments are my journey, my messy parts— my opportunities for reflection, learning, and transformation; this is all part of a story i’ll tell one day. but i’ve got to have the presence, courage, grace, and faith to live it first.