opt out of the game

the matrix is real. meaning, much of what we experience is unreal. how do we contend with this in a physical reality?

i have more to say about this, and a lot of things, really. but the timing of when i feel called to share is everything— and i don’t feel like breaking down my insights and inner workings very often. i know folks find it helpful and after i’ve written something out, i find it rewarding for myself as well. but what about my personal peace and honoring my flow— even when it’s inconvenient and prohibitive?

yet still, what about wanting all that while also wanting to be seen and to make a living from my ideas and expressions?

ego doesn’t trust the flow, i know that much. ego wants sense. ego wants instant gratification. ego wants proof. reason. promises. guarantees. ego gets uncomfortable and pissed and confused and insecure and questioning everything real fast.

this online realm— where our ideas and we ourselves seemingly cease to exist unless we publish them— creates a lot of tension, discord, and dissonance within me. sometimes i feel like the internet wants me sucked dry for all i have to give and i’ll just lie there lifeless getting stepped over while the world continues to spin on.

a very reasonable possibility, if i allow my ego to drive and don’t check my priorities.

some thoughts on balance, tending to my truth, and ultimately— opting out of the game, on all levels. <3

the fall and the catch

there was a time when it was quite common for phrases or insights to pop into my head without fully knowing what they meant— some form of channeling, one might say. the first time this poem/quote entered my mind and probably when i shared it, i had a certain fleeting felt sense of what it meant but it still wasn’t something i could firmly grasp.

i went on a qigong retreat near vancouver a few years ago, and the women who i was paired to carpool with said she’d browsed my site and really liked my poetry; she referenced a couple favorites and this was one of them. i remember feeling a little uneasy because i didn’t know how i felt about this poem at that point— in fact, i’d forgotten the subtle body knowing of whatever its meaning was and just had no idea what it meant or why i wrote it. i awkwardly thanked her, feeling hella embarrassed and like a fraud inside.

and then i carried on with my life because whatever. eventually, i remembered that the things that come through me are sometimes not fully baked in my intellect because: 1) they don’t have to be and just because my mind doesn’t hold a given  wisdom doesn’t mean it’s not integrated somewhere else in my being 2) they present an opportunity for me to grow into a given learning 3) they might not be for me and instead for someone else.

anyhoo, somewhere along the way this year, the meaning for this poem clicked back into place in my body somewhere. and it also happens to be that i currently once again need this wisdom in my life. it is this:

when we perceive ourselves to be free falling or failing, it is in fact grace that the universe has offered our unknowing selves. in the fall is the opportunity to learn, to reset, to change perspectives, to let go, to start anew; at the same time that you are falling, you are being held. the falling, thus, is inherently in itself a holding. it is a passage through which you are being carried. regardless of how bumpy, haphazard, or non-linear this space is— it has a design and a meaning that is just for you.

may we all recognize oneness when we dissolve duality.

<3