how astrocartography came into my life

note: this post is directly pulled from my 10/21/21 email newsletter without edits. if you would like to receive my weekly note in your inbox along with additional sections and features not included here, you can join my email community.

i know. it's been a minute. a three-months-long minute. life. a lot of life, life-ing. you already know.

i missed you and am very glad to be back in action with our weekly-ish situationship <3

tl;dr // your girl is offering 1:1 astrocartography readings publicly for the first time! you can learn more about these sessions and book a reading here.

some years ago, amidst what would become a decade in brooklyn, i found myself itching for the experience of living in a new city. it’s not that i felt done with new york, but i wanted a new experience. the question of where my next place was didn’t feel easy to answer, though; everywhere i had visited up until that point felt nice to visit but didn’t quite resonate in terms being somewhere i wanted to live. add to that, that there wasn’t really any specific place i felt clearly called to explore;

ask me where i wanted to travel to next, and i could throw out twenty different cities that i felt equally open to and curious about. i didn’t have a “paris” or dream city in mind;

and while on one end openness and flexibility can be very liberating, in this situation, my total lack of direction felt super confusing and frustrating. i’d tell people, “i want to try another place to live, but i’m going to have to travel a bit more to figure out where that might be.” the issue there became that i just didn’t have the capacity or funds to bounce around and travel like that to explore new cities.

it was just so weird. any time i checked in with my spirit about where i felt called to home-wise, all i could come up with was new york. yet simultaneously, i felt deeply intuitively called to embark on a new adventure, even if it were to be by virtue of a second home in addition to nyc. as confounding as this tension and lack of clarity was, i couldn’t shake these feelings and they continued to stay with me for years. not knowing what to do, i just sat with the discomfort, hoping one day an answer or a sign in the right direction would come.

enter astrocartography. in summer 2017, i had the opportunity to photograph the astrotwins’ personal astrology retreat in tulum. during one of their lectures, they in passing mentioned a lesser known type of astrology called astrocartography— the astrology of place. i was like, “um, excuse me? you telling me that astrology can tell me what kinda vibes i might catch at different places all around the world? do you understand that you may have just solved my entire life with this offhand remark? do you even know?”

it was the clue that i’d been quietly waiting for.

so i went to the free astrocartography site they suggested and entered in my birth data (birth date, birth time, birth place). and it generated this wild ass visual with zillions of longitudinal lines across the world map. these lines represented the various energies available to me in different places.

so many vibes. all the vibes.

in its full glory, my astrocartography map looked like the image below. my brain basically overheated and melted when i first saw it.

it. is. a. lot.

a lot, a lot.

like, it’s almost disrespectful.

but also, omg, so much juicy info when you learn how to break down how this shit works!!

some of you might recognize the glyphs at the top of the screen capture as astrological planetary symbols. for the rest of y’all, you wanna know what the entire fuck is happening here, huh?

in astrology, each planet holds a unique set of qualities and presides over different themes in our lives. in astrocartography, each line on your personal map represents one of these planetary energies.

for example, the pink line on this map is for jupiter, which relates to joy, expansion, wisdom, and multiculturalism, amongst other things. the dark green line is for venus, which speaks to relationships, romance, the arts, and beauty. the black line with the “P” symbol is for pluto, which is all about death and rebirth, transformation, alchemy, and power. the light green line is for mercury, which represents how we think and communicate (speaking, writing) as well as our more mentally oriented psychic senses and intuitions. other planets covered on our map include saturn, mars, neptune, uranus, chiron, north node, moon, and sun.

the simplest and most straightforward way we can explore your astrocartography map is to pick a city that is calling to you or that you’re curious about (could even be your current city!) and then check out what planetary lines are running near that place. the story told by the energies of these lines will then tell you what you can potentially expect to experience there!

there are many more ways you can gain insights from astrocartography, which i’ve broadly outlined on my site, if you’re curious. you can also stay tuned to this space, as i’ll soon be further illustrating the various types of questions you can explore using this art form.

so what happened after i nearly passed out from overwhelm upon first seeing my map? obsession. pure unadulterated obsession. my virgo sun, virgo mercury, scorpio moon ass stuck the fuck with it until i understood what was what and was no longer overwhelmed.

and naturally, i now have a very systematic yet fluid way in how i approach readings. over the years, i have pored probably over a hundred hours on my own map as well as the maps of people in my immediate community. i also took a course and did a little reading, but to be honest— my readings are primarily intuitively led, which both i and my clients actually love.

soooo, yeah. a whole fun journey! a journey about journeys! i’m super excited to share this practice with you :)

i really love seeing how people light up at just how fascinating and eerily on point this work can be. it can be a really beautiful affirmation for intuitive hunches you may have about given places and can also help contextualize your life in a way that just makes things easier to digest. often, i find there’s a sweet comfort that astrocartography can bring.

i hope we'll get to share in that sweetness together sometime.

learn to become a self-starter with your self-inquiry

an explanation is
not always a service;
some things
are best discovered inwardly.

inner work, deeper work, honest work, more rigorous work. based on our consumption habits and devolved attention spans, sometimes receiving highly abbreviated educational tidbits can in fact be a disservice to our actual development.

caught in the flurry of our manic scrolling and app-ing, our illusion of education exists in transience; we often take things in intellectually and then file them away somewhere to essentially be forgotten— failing to deepen our awareness and understanding, failing to put anything into actual practice.

this is one of the reasons that with my typical poem/quote thingies on instagram, i originally did not put captions and have slowed down on doing that again.

there is immeasurable value in rigorously engaging self-inquiry on your own; learning to develop your own discernment about when to self-trigger a self-inquiry is straight-up invaluable. in order to be productive agents of change, within and without, we must learn to self-inquire without prompting, directing, or instruction.

yeah, it’s a tall order and everybody won’t get there. but for those who would like to meet me in community, self-inquiry and self-accountability is what imma be dishing. that’s what i am calling in for you— for us.

for me— know that helping you connect more deeply with your own self-inquiry journey + your truth, and bringing our individual reflections into community dialogue (to help better understand and serve our collective), is becoming revealed to me as part of my purpose.

this is the deepest work: awareness work. tuning yourself to know what kind of questions to ask and knowing when to seek out more robust sources (beyond social media) when you need to better understand something (intellectually, energetically, physically, emotionally, or otherwise).

thinking that following mad accounts on instagram and watching all my ig stories all day is good enough for your knowledge intake and reflection is a gross miscalculation.

it is essential to prioritize your personal journey towards a certain sovereign wisdom. without really really learning to tap into, flex, and strengthen our inner inquiry muscle, we can never truly understand or shift anything; we’re just always looking outside, following like robots— turning one machine into another. note: machine = the system.

step into your wisdom, step into your power. from here, you may seek out the wisdom of others with a greater and more meaningful intention. let’s do work, bb’s.

taking credit for our gifts

my virtues
are not merits
i have personally derived;
they are gifts.

people have often told me how they admire how self aware i am and how committed i am to “doing the work.” sometimes as they marvel in awe. there was a time where i pridefully took all credit for this. but as i evolved in my overall awareness, i realized that self awareness and doing the work are largely not a choice for me— it is how i am wired. these are tools and gifts that i have been given.

it dawned on me that the way “ignorance is bliss” for some, ignorance usually results in sheer torture for me; my hyper self awareness persists through all seasons, regardless of what my ego wants. being aware and tuned to the vibration of truth— often painfully so— is my default.

and so, my self-work is often the result of my desperate attempt to resolve some ever present suffering i’ve been unable to silence and suppress. and even when i do succeed at some version of suppression, the truth remains in the back of my mind along with deep unhappiness.

simultaneously, i recognize that i get to take credit for rising to the challenge and making the decision to do the work. because even despite my nature, i can still decide to opt out; there is plenty of work i trade for the familiar comfort of my suffering; these are my edges, i’m working on them— also often by eventual force and compulsion.

the universe ultimately always kicks my ass out of my limiting habituation— just as it is in this new decade. much death is happening to make way for a rebirth i’ve been hiding from for the last few years.

all this to say: often what we pridefully claim as our self-derived virtues are actually gifts. these gifts are here to help us realize our full potential so we can be of service. not so we can be delusional, self-important, holier than thou assholes. i ain’t special. i just got some tools (that i have a complicated relationship with) for the purpose of my soul mission, which, by the way, isn’t even about me— it’s about us.

what if's, avoidance, and magic.

what if your avoidance

of what if’s

is keeping you from the magic

of the unknown?

does continuing to stuff yourself into an uncomfortable but familiar box still work well enough for you?

how much energy is it taking you to keep contorting yourself for that damn box that you don’t even like?

over, and over, and over.

how much are you willing to give up to insist on half-living your life?

how much are you willing to let fear rule you in exchange for fleeting senses of security?

it’s exhausting to keep trying to tape shit back together, yeah?

you don’t know what you don’t know; take a leap into the infinity of the unknown, remembering that from nothingness is all else born.

roll the dice. go higher. go left instead of right. blow up the comfortable shit that makes you small.

do it for the you of your dreams.

the you that you don’t fully believe exists but really just might.

treat it as a radical experiment. you don’t have to believe yet to try.

it's just practice.

sometimes what seems like

the main event

is just meant to be practice.

much is coming undone in order to show us what’s underneath. things that were likely always there— things we didn’t want to see, weren’t able to see. things somehow withheld from our view.

death and rebirth are extending us a grand invitation; one that requires our active participation in both dying and birthing/being.

grieve your old paradigm.
recognize its place in your path.
then, let go.
let go.
let go.

forget all stories, norms, beliefs, declarations, and defaults about you and your life.

retire the operating principles you’ve been holding true as a matter of course, without question.

imagine you, your mind, your history a clean slate.

you are reborn with every new breath.

anything can happen from here.

some version of the same very specific thing at once.

it’s so surreal to me that we are all going through some version of the same very specific thing at once.

i know it might sound weird to say, but there’s something poetic about that. really distills us to our common humanity, co-existing in this fragile, precious life.

some prompts for us to consider at this time:

• with the opportunity to stand still, what’s been revealed to you about existence? yours, ours, the planet’s?

• with this extra space and time, what could you gift yourself more spaciousness and presence with? what does thinking about that feel like? is there discomfort there? if so, talk to it gently and ask it why it’s there and what it needs.

• in what ways has this experience reminded you or taught you about our common humanity? did any illusion bubbles burst for you? how does it feel to not live with that illusion anymore?

• is there a part of you that is relieved that you might not *have to* live your life as you had been? what are you relieved about maybe not having to deal with anymore? what might life look like if you found a way where you could choose to opt out of those things?

• does the possibility of your life blowing up and starting over fresh simultaneously terrify and excite you? why excited? dig into that. look for versions of starting fresh that warm your heart, create ease within, and light a spark.

• who are the first people you wanted to call? who makes you feel seen, safe, loved, considered? who do you feel most compelled to do that for in return?

so many more. will leave us with that for now. much love <3

oxygenating the source

if your devotion live

outside of yourself

tell me

how does it breathe?

if you place all your devotion, attention, and energy outside of yourself, your top priorities and commitments (devotions) have no reliable energy source. if your devotion is not inside of you as the focal point, it is not connected to you and therefore is without oxygen or life force.

any energy that happens to be available to expend will be finite in supply and rapidly dwindle. eventually, your devotion and what you are devoted to will wither away— in one way or another.

an extension of ‘putting on your oxygen mask before helping others.’

this does not mean myopia, darwinism, selfishness, competition, egoism, exceptionalism, or self-centeredness. in many ways, we sustain ourselves so that we can be truly interdependent.

interdependence is our truth and our balm. i see we are and will continue to be challenged by this call & fact of life. will we step over each other to self protect or for a quick come up— or will we invest in humanity, integrity, and the long game? at one point or another, we are all going to need each other.

so it’s very interesting to witness the decisions and stances people are taking in these last few days.

crisis can unearth our unresolved shadow in many ways. i had to pause before almost writing that crisis shows our “true nature,” because that’s not true— our true nature is love.

i’m not standing here from some high horse; there are thoughts that have crossed my mind that don’t make me feel very proud. but i am doing my best to hold myself accountable and try to be the person i want to be.

while some still think preparedness and vigilance are alarmist and have some stuff to sort out within themselves, there are many folks who are forced to make precarious decisions because they are backed into a corner. because of survival. because our system fails us.

i think about shows like survivor, a film like hunger games, and societal periods of extreme hardship and chaos. challenging times are what test our character most. they show us where we are out of alignment. where we don’t trust. where we are in lack. what we fear.

there are always choices we get to (and are forced to) make.

so i ask again: who will we choose to be?

much love and ease to hearts <3

rude ass people

i’ve been trying a thing. when i come across stank people in real life, i take pause after my initial feeling of offense. i create space for the possibility that they may be going through something or that the only way they know how to cope with their trauma is by being an ass.

doesn’t make it “right” but it’s also their very real reality + ultimately has nothing to do with me. their choices are their own business. their capacity might be less than mine, so i also count my blessings. i try to have compassion instead of taking it personally. within reason, i think it’s better for all involved.

anxiety on 12,000

whose anxiety has been on 12,000 over 2018 + 2019? i’ll often get overwhelming waves of full body or full head buzzing, chaotic energy. it’s incredibly destabilizing and at times debilitating. sometimes it’ll also make me sad because it feels like so much.

it can be challenging to distinguish if it’s coming from me, the collective, the universal energetic shifts, some other shit, or a little bit of everything. and trying to make that discernment amidst the frenetic overwhelm is its own feat.

i know it’s in my own hands to do my practices more, both from a preventative and diagnostic standpoint. in many ways, i know what to do and i don’t— that’s a discussion for another time.

all said, i’m curious to hear from you. how have you been relating to anxiety, spirituality, metaphysics, and the wild energies of the last couple years? what are your favorite anxiety prevention + relief tools? we can never have too many :)

much love <3

you.

there is no one like you in the world. not everyone will understand you. sometimes, you won’t understand yourself. you will be loved. you will be left. you will feel despair. and hope. sometimes simultaneously. you will beat your fists against the wall and hear nothing. you will lie there sometimes, lifeless. you will rise and begin on a path unknown. you will meet travelers. some will betray you. others will show you your light. you are not alone but you do inhabit this body alone. do you love it? how does it make you feel? remember that you’re all it’s got.

the courage to be disliked and stand alone

a few weeks ago, a book titled the courage to be disliked sprang up on a facebook ad for me. i was so moved by just the title alone, that i posted it to my instagram stories immediately.

the message became louder and louder over the course of that day and the days that followed. signs appeared on my path in an uncannily steady stream:

a few hours later, a friend with some extra audible credits made an offer to gift some folks an audio book of their choice. i looked up the top 10 audible books, which happened to include brené brown’s dare to lead. i reviewed her other recent titles and came across braving the wilderness. the premise: “belonging” by belonging to yourself first— especially when it means sometimes standing alone in order to fully rest in your truth. naturally, i knew which title i was supposed to request.

that evening, an article on arundhati roy came up on my facebook feed. the article was titled as a direct quote from roy: the point of a writer is to be unpopular

late that night / the following morning, i ended up in an interaction that prompted me posting a series of instagram stories about boundaries when people want access to your contacts and/or resources. this is a topic i’d been dragging my feet to speak on for a year in fear of anyone feeling offended, singled out, or triggered. sharing these thoughts definitely required channeling my personal courage to be disliked. interestingly enough, these posts ended up being some of my most popular posts on stories— by far. they also potentially resulted in some unfollows. my previous blog post shares more about the topic if you’re interested.

that afternoon, while searching for something unrelated in a facebook group, i came across the courage to be disliked once again— this time, as part of a recommendation someone was making. casual.

the next day, i found a piece of paper in my purse— it was from a discussion i’d facilitated a couple weeks prior at the wing. at the close of the discussion, i prompted guests to write down a commitment to themselves. we mixed up all the bits of paper in a bowl and on their way out, folks pulled out a random person’s commitment. here’s what i found:

“i will acknowledge my whole being— stop disowning parts of myself just to save the discomfort of someone else.”

my takeaways here:

i need to stand in my truth (sometimes alone)— even and especially when it’s scary.

and i think i’m here to tell you that if this all resonates, you do, too.

<3

hello, shadow.

i’ve been hearing the word “negative” a lot in the wellness space recently; negative feelings, negative energy, negative people, negative habits, etcetera.

to call something negative is to negate it— to remove credence and worthiness from it. it is a dangerous judgment that we  casually make on all sorts of things, people, and situations on a daily basis.

as you may have read on a recent post about  permission and empowerment, i believe our words impact our subconscious and well-being more than we realize.

what actually happens when label our feelings, for example, as “negative?” well, our subconscious becomes conditioned to believe that these particular feelings suck. and then we may be led to believe that we suck, or are weak, or are failures. it doesn’t matter if these beliefs reach our conscious minds or not— our subconscious, the chief control center that pulls our lil human puppet strings, will be operating on these beliefs.

okay, so let’s say a person’s subconscious has decided they are whack as hell because they have challenging feelings they’ve judged as “negative” (and then probably suppressed or brushed aside). let’s say that this person’s conscious mind believes that they mostly like themselves. let’s posit this person also happens to be simultaneously living their best life on the outside— because that high-functioning “fight” of fight-flight-freeze fame is some real ass shit when your subconscious is trying to overcome your conditioning by giving you the illusion of safety...

what can happen from here is that the suppressed emotions and unchecked self-judgments can turn into mental or physical illness. they can also turn into chronic, seemingly random “the world is against me” life patterns— in relationships, career, whatever. these are classic examples of stagnant or blocked energy/qi/life force being expressed via the body-mind connection.

that’s poo, you guys! you know what’s more fun? deciding that our “negative” emotions are not fucking negative. they just *are*— they simply exist. what our challenging or lower-vibrational emotions actually are are *information.* they’re a little autonomic flag or response that goes off to tell us that there’s something to look at— that something within us is out of alignment. both internal and external stimuli, as we know, can trigger these flags.

when we allow our understanding of challenging emotions to be that simple, we take the charge and judgment and feelings of failure and overwhelm off of them. doesn’t “challenging” sound more accurate in this context? what we’ve historically called “negative” emotions are actually emotions that are challenging us to stop and pay attention to what is challenging us deeper within.

this is shadow work. there is a reason why i made the background of this graphic a bright, optimistic yellow. because shadow work— going deep inside our “dark,” hidden places— can be *simultaneously* nerve-wracking, scary, exciting, life-giving, confusing, nourishing, illuminating, intimidating, empowering, and even joyous. the binary of this experience itself is the heart of shadow work: the recognition and compassionate acceptance of the inherent duality of the earth plane and the human experience. we can hold seemingly opposing forces at once— and when we do, we can let out a deep sigh of relief. we are still here, we are still whole.

as someone who devoted about half a year in 2016 to go deep into my shadow— i kind of made healing my job— i can tell you that it is profoundly liberating, comforting, and transformational. funny, because it was only when some people close to me judged me (out of concern and a desire to help) for being “too deep in it” that i felt devastated and started spiraling; i was the greatest mess for those two weeks that i chose to accept their assessment that i was wallowing and attached to my pain.

and this is what causes most of us further pain when addressing pain— the judgment of the pain itself and the shame that we are feeling it. this response creates contraction, which in addition to amplifying the pain, restricts the healing process. healing requires the opposite of contraction: expansion.

once i decided that i no longer believed their judgment, i immediately came back into my power; i allowed myself to embrace my deep *knowing* that i was in fact sitting squarely inside my pain so i could offer it recognition, honor, love, compassion, and space to fully express itself— and in so doing, i was alchemizing this energy, freeing it from contraction back to its natural and neutral state of “is-ness” (the natural state of all beings).

now coming back full circle to applied practice per the language piece;  particularly when speaking about personal and interpersonal development work, i do my best to avoid “negative” as a term. instead i try to use phrases like the following:

• lower-vibrational energy
• challenging emotions
• non-resonant people
• limiting beliefs

even though these aren’t perfect themselves (because labeling is a function of separation and supports the illusion of 3d duality— all is ultimately neutral and oneness), i believe they have a much lower charge than “negative.” really, you can use any of the above prefixes interchangeably for a variety of uses.

less limiting language and harsh self-judgments, more loving, accepting, and seeing the whole as all parts worthy! there are no mistakes, all is by design. <3

i don’t owe anyone my inner world

upon deciding that i wanted to talk a bit about my depression that consumed the second half of my 2017, it took me a moment to realize that my previous post was in part about the bliss i was able to connect with earlier in that same year. i also recalled how the bliss itself was borne in response to pain. all around, the duality of that year was profound.

over the course of 2018, i couldn’t quite comprehend what the fuck 2017 was. because 2018 was confusing as all hell on its own; it was this extended sense of being suspended in transience, which i was aware of the whole time and simultaneously knew that it wasn’t something i could control or fight. i just had to be in this long ass incubation period of what felt like a whole lot of nothingness.

i still don’t have enough distance from 2018 to have much clarity on what quite happened— but my sense is that my system was integrating the rollercoaster of transformational experiences and deaths/rebirths that 2016 and 2017 brought me.

now having some distance from 2017, however, i can see what an important example of duality it was. it’s fascinating to know that what we view as opposite or polar are never too far apart— particularly with the recognition that duality itself is a construct. the only thing that is actually true and real is oneness.

i remember being awe struck by the daoist view of impermanence and the ever-changing nature of what we view to be opposite or contrasting; for example, light is not light but light-becoming-dark and dark is not dark but dark-becoming-light. because everything is constantly shifting, a static assumption or prescription upon anything is essentially inaccurate and moot. it’s deep and something i’m still unpacking.

existential interlude aside, i want to share a couple stories related to my experience with depression— particularly within the framework of vulnerability, authenticity, and personal boundaries.

to first offer some foundational context: i was on and off depressed from 15-25, then was totally in the pits from 25-27, and started therapy at 27 in 2010. i felt the depression pretty much fully lift after my first eight months of therapy and my first two months of a naturopathic regimen for my neurotransmitter imbalances. since then, i’ve had depressive dips for a week or two on a handful of occasions over the years and one few month long very low point around early 2013.

what i experienced in 2017 was the longest and most nuanced, shape-shifting, unrelenting depressive period i’ve experienced since what brought me to therapy in 2010. shit was real as fuck. basically, a succession of deeply traumatic and very unpleasant challenging things happened back to back to back— it took me out and knocked me all the way off center.

thankfully, i had my awareness tools to keep from completely going off the deep end, but i was literally teetering on the very edge of that hole for months. it took all my energy to at least just stay teetering and not fall in. after several months, i got two steps away from the hole— my awareness allowed me to measure that— and it took everything in me for another several months to maintain those two steps away from the hole. sometime in the first quarter of 2018, i felt like i got beyond two steps and finally was able to feel more grounded and self-possessed.

in fall 2016, i started sharing my poem-quote things and occasional reflective thoughts on instagram; some people decided i was wise and woke and zen and shit. i am, thanks. i’m also human and have eccentricities and quirks and seeming inconsistencies and personal boundaries. though that may be confusing for some, i get to contain all of that and still be authentic and in integrity.

in fall 2017, during the peak of the aforementioned deep depressive period, i ran into an acquaintance at an event.

she asked me how i was and before i could answer, she said something to the effect of, “and i know you being you, you’re gonna keep it real and not just be like, ‘i’m great!’ if you’re not.” i know she meant to be complimentary, but it was not what i needed to hear in the moment.

in those months, my whole life had been consumed around salvaging my mood the best i possibility could; my own thoughts on ‘how i was doing’ were already encroaching on my space in my alone time. i had decided in advance to do my best to act as if i was okay during this event— because that’s what i needed; i needed a goddamn break.

i got extremely uncomfortable and began wondering if i was inauthentic because i didn’t want to put energy on naming that i wasn’t well. i wanted to answer that i was good and move on to some other type of conversation that i could actually enjoy.

i told myself that saying “good” was true in a sense; because ultimately, i am always alright. and at that time, i was simply experiencing an ebb of my human experience.

i think my discomfort with her remark and my ensuing internal conflict blew my cover; i’m quite certain she felt my reservation and unease when i said “good.” it changed the vibe. and i mostly didn’t care. i wasn’t there to cater to her vision of me.

i chose my self-preservation. and that’s what i’ll choose in the vast majority of cases. i know how useless and even harmful i can be when i’m unwell and not tending to my needs. when i’m real low, any filter i’ve got to maintain a semblance of normalcy and civility with the outside world is paper thin— i know this.

i don’t think we need to feel obligated to say we’re feeling unwell while we are still amidst that experience; it doesn’t help my healing to put energy on a given challenging thing that i’m already working on for the sake of updating someone— especially an acquaintance—perfectly truthfully.

when i’m not intentionally going into my shadow to do work, i want to focus on light to help raise my vibration. note, there is a distinction between mindfully raising my vibration and avoidance/distraction.

online and on social media, there’s a  pressure to name our precise reality while we are still inside of a challenging time— in the spirit of “vulnerability” and “authenticity.” nah.

internet and instagram vulnerability culture has distorted our vision on boundaries and what actually constitutes healthy sharing. this culture, which can also be beautiful, has also somehow allowed certain folks to think that they have license to our inner worlds.

our own vulnerability isn’t supposed to harm us. and it isn’t a service to others if we are self-sacrificing our health to share before we feel ready.

important: vulnerability online isn’t a replacement for professional help if you think you might need that. no shame in it— i’ve been in some form of therapy or another for a decade.

some things are only meant for specific people and specific communities in my life. and even then, that doesn’t mean i ever owe *anyone* anything i don’t feel called to share. for more introverted folk like me, certain things may be meant for us alone (and perhaps a therapist or healer, if inclined).

basically, we don’t owe the internet shit— least of all our bleeding hearts. <3

living the feeling first: a means to manifestation

i’ve been thinking about joy lately, especially as it being a way of manifesting our dreams even before they materially come to fore;

a couple nights ago, i picked up the book creating money by sanaya roman after a long while. i re-read my notes and a bit more of the book. i’m only about 20 pages in; i tend to read very intentionally, stop to reflect a lot, and simultaneously take notes.

in my review, i was reminded of a powerful perspective shift:

i manifest best when i choose to *right now* genuinely live out the higher qualities i believe money (or whatever i’m looking to manifest) will bring into my life.

an exercise + illustration:

• think of something you’d like to manifest

• what higher qualities do you think that manifestation will bring into you and your life?

• what are some easily accessible ways you can bring those qualities into your life now— today, this week, in this moment?

unfolding the perspective shift:

• i want more money because i believe it will bring me freedom.

• i realize that i can also easily access the feeling of freedom when i’m being silly, when i’m being fully myself, when i see children being free, when i deeply connect with someone in a way that i can almost touch the entire universe in that moment

• when i choose to be in the vibration of freedom *now*, i am calling in the matching/correlating vibration of that which i desire. and because i am coming from a place of authentic connection to source, i am simultaneously manifesting 1) what i *really, actually* want and 2) more precisely for my highest good.

before finding this book, i intuitively created a similar practice and paired it with intentional action towards manifesting the money i needed. with this way, i catapulted myself out of major, heart-wrenching brokenness in early 2017.

it was a time where every other day i was getting notices of bills being declined, my credit cards were maxed out, i had no idea how i’d be paying rent, and my cash was just enough to feed myself.  it was the closest i’d ever been to feeling like i could soon be out of choices— and would possibly need to move back to cali to live with my parents.

i decided that if this was it, i was going to respond in the best way i possibly could and opt out of weaponizing my pain against myself. i was going to live my best life with what i had been given. it almost felt like that choice was all i had left.

i chose to:

1. live in joy anyway, because i was alive— that was something i did have

2. try my best to turn things around— i did have agency over my actions

3. accept any outcome with grace— i always have a choice in how to respond

from this space, i found myself the happiest and most magnetic i had ever been— socially, financially, and with the opportunities that flowed to me like a force of nature (because it literally was).

since then, my path has ebbed and flowed as i continue to dismantle old programming and belief systems. however, now i have the gift of the experience and evidence of what is possible. i know what i can access when i am in flow. i know that making *who i choose to show up as* my starting point is what truly creates the type of life-affirming magic that is beyond dreams.

the belief that something outside of us will give us the higher qualities we desire is false; if we do end up manifesting what we think we want while we are out of alignment, it’s always ultimately a lesson of some sort. sometimes we can be taken through a long journey before we realize we are still unhappy and unfulfilled. think about the loads of celebrities who have all their “dreams” come true, only to feel more alone and lost than ever. most might not show it, but this phenomenon is very very real.

dreams without grounding in your higher qualities usually end up empty.

if i lack freedom in my life already— before having the money i desire— deep down i will continue to lack freedom even once i have said money; that is, until i practice cultivating freedom from within and with what is already available to me.

so, let’s ask ourselves:

how am i choosing to engage my most basic blessings on a day to day?

how am i showing up as “the person i think i’ll be when i have everything i want” *today*— right now, in this moment?

much love <3

in allyship with anger, fear, and pain

photo // CC0

the most potent balm;
a dialogue
in allyship
with your anger
fear
and pain.

most often, our relationships with anger, fear, and pain tend to center around our reactions to the emotions themselves; themes of frustration, shame, avoidance, and overwhelm pervade. this unfortunately only compounds existing “negative” feelings and drives us deeper into cycles of misery, escapism, helplessness, and self-judgment. we begin to feel like we’re drowning.

in these instances, we have opted to merge with the challenging emotions; take them on and wear them as parts of our identity and who we are — perhaps even beginning to look at ourselves as deficient. in my view, this is inaccurate as our essential selves are always whole, powerful, and wise. our spirits are indestructible and i personally refuse to see it any other way.

what i have to come to learn is that anger, fear, and pain are messengers; they are not negative, but are rather gifts we receive to learn more about ourselves and our relationship to this world and this existence. through my own rigorous experience, i’ve learned the unparalleled transformative power of making friends with my anger, pain, and fear — as entities separate from my true self whom have come to me as my teachers.

in unpacking the underlying truths my anger, pain, and fear reflect, i have come to more deeply meet and embody my true self, what i stand for, my connection with others, and the nature of existence. committing to this process has allowed me a greater acceptance for what is (no matter what) while simultaneously equipping me with a resolve to go out and fight for who i am and what i believe in with a delicacy and strength i’ve only just met.

yes, i preach love — lots of it; but my love is not one of passivity, one that turns a blind eye to injustice, or one that withholds itself from so-called ‘lower based emotions.’ if so inclined, i encourage you to connect with your anger, pain, and fear. ask them what they have to say; layer by layer — until you have stripped down to the core — to the truth. the fire behind that truth will naturally propel you to transform both what is within and what is beyond.

with love,
seher

seher.co is here and this is why

photo // self portrait

writing this is the most nerve-wracking shit i’ve done in a while. in anticipation, i ate a whole meal and drank some water just before starting. still, i find myself dizzy. heart’s beating fast. something like public speaking jitters except the only thing i’m actually facing in this moment is myself. maybe it’s not so peculiar; our relationship with ourselves is ultimately the most frightening and highest stakes one of all. 

putting myself out there to the internet world is requiring me to more firmly own myself and the things i am about to share.

launching this new website means many things to me at once:

• self acceptance and stepping into my name
• getting out of my own way and honoring my work
• owning both what i know and what i don’t know about my purpose
• taking what i do know and formally claiming a career pivot
• a jumping off point for projects that embrace my skills and interests more fully
• a platform with the intentionality to communicate who i am and what i stand for

this site will be a living representation of my personal and professional metamorphosis in progress. you will find projects popping up in my new ‘projects’ section that may involve photography or have nothing to do with photography at all. this site is me officially giving myself license to do whatever the fuck i want — and a declaration to others of the dynamism and relationship with the unknown i intend to fully embrace.

and this blog will perhaps be the thread that weaves it all together. just like everything, i have no concrete plans for it. the possibilities: anything and everything on my mind and in my world. a window into my process and my path to purpose. still, definitely open, fluid, and real.

i bought this domain about two and a half years ago, just because i thought it would be good to own my name in this way online. i began to consider that it might be nice to move my website to this URL. soon, that tiny thought became a decided leaning towards changing my business name and web address to just “seher.” rehes creative just didn’t fit anymore, and by some miracle, i felt this unfamiliar pull to embrace my given name.

i spent most of my adult life brushing off compliments about how pretty my name is because it was never something i believed myself. apathy probably better described our relationship. i was teased for my name from childhood through high school and in retrospect, it came to represent the many ways i was different and didn’t fit in; i’d wrapped up much of my not-good-enough-ness in it. i realized that in naming myself “rehes” (my name backwards), it was my subconscious trying to hide from myself and the shame that came with my name.

i quickly became clear that owning “seher” represented a deeper shift: i was ready to more fully own and accept myself.

i started thinking about my name, particularly in the vein of career shifts i’d been thinking about. seher translates to dawn. i thought about beginnings, the sun; i realized my personal work of the last two years had lead me to explore coming into myself as an initiator, an illuminator. i’d also recently learned that my name in german means seer; another connection — i had spent the last two years deeply awakening to my intuition and inner knowing.

the inherent resonance my given name shares with the true self i have been unfolding gave me profound pause.

an intuitive initiator and illuminator; sharing and championing the truth of things, the truth of us — that is, in fact, what i care about most. writing this, i am in awe once again.

i’ve shared a bit about finding my purpose and exploring a career pivot on social media. recently, i wrote:

i’m coming to see myself more as a thinker, artistic communicator, and facilitator for the universal good. where i’m going, photography and writing — amongst other skills i intend to conscientiously develop — are simply my tools for self expression, individual/community/global healing, and mobilization towards social change. these values form the root of all things for me now — not photography, not writing, nor any other skill or talent i may possess.

i’ve spent the last couple years engaging in deep spiritual work to identify my life’s purpose and true gifts. upon getting a grasp on the general themes, it quickly became clear that my career needed to shift; as far as what the details look like, i accept that i cannot force the natural process of inner awakening — it’s all still a work in progress.

during this period, my relationship with photography has constantly been hazy and in flux; figuring out how to redefine my relationship with photography as i explore a somewhat nebulous career pivot is a constant challenge.

the last couple years found me frequently disconnected from photography and even resenting it; in so desperately wanting to figure out the complete picture of my purpose, photography oftentimes felt like a mindless distraction. so through all that, it feels really great to be able to say that this new site and the new work i’m sharing are something i feel proud of. i don't take time to do that too often — stop to feel proud of myself and celebrate myself. 

going through the labor of launching this site and framing it in a way that leaves open space for the other pieces of me and my talents that are slowly emerging — for me, it’s fuel. to look at work that i like is affirmation that i do want to keep shooting and reclaim my relationship with photography — reincarnating it into something that more fully speaks to my spirit and that of others.

as i continue my process of personal discovery, i am constantly updating what i think is exactly my purpose. right now, how i’ve chosen to phrase it is:

using art, media, and community building to promote personal healing and social equality.

i see personal transformation and healing as powerful catalysts for activism and social change. in some way, i also see my work exploring this important intersection. where i currently stand, the issues closest to my heart are social equality for women and people of color, and personal healing as it relates to mental health and the body-mind connection (subtle energy stuff).

in expanding the scope of my work, i have natural strengths i’m looking to exercise and develop. these include: idea generation, creative problem solving, facilitation (people + groups + ideas), storytelling (speaking + writing + photography), leadership, strategic planning, and building safe community spaces.

to help me do this, i am looking to connect with people working in progressive and interdisciplinary spaces in the arts, media, personal healing, and social equality. i’d like to partner with people and/or organizations already doing work in this realm — even in a volunteer capacity — to inform my career pivot and process of personal discovery by diving into the work itself. i want to begin exercising my entire skill set, contribute towards meaningful causes, get a lay of the land, and connect with like minded individuals. 

if anyone is willing and able to make an introduction, i would love to link with any relevant people, organizations, or companies. even if only for an informational interview! 

in any case — my deep gratitude to you for reading this far. and to so many of you — thank you for believing in me and in my work countless times where inside i was secretly at war with both. you've kept me going.