synchronicity in artistic thought

i texted the above phrase to my new friend joel about a week ago. days later, he retweeted his year old tweet with the exact same words. what a gift to so precisely share a wavelength with someone. joel concurred.

creativity is an interesting thing. i think because it can feel so personal, emotional, and intimate, we sometimes presume a rather rigid ownership over our works by believing that we have singularly created them.

though my creativity manifests via many paths, i've found that much of my short-form writing comes from ideas, thoughts, or phrases just “popping” into my head. over the last few years, it’s got me thinking about musicians who say that the music ‘just comes through them.’ i get it now and recognize these phenomena as a channeling of sorts;

whether consciously or not, i believe we are channeling from our interweb of mass consciousness, which i believe to ultimately be a single, unitary thing. in this way, i’m understanding that when we really get down to it, creative works don’t really belong to anyone; if anything, they belong to all of us. creativity, i believe, is the process of going into our collective psyche and materially illuminating truths that already exist inside our shared energetic body.

obviously, this act of channeling, expressing, and materializing is still a labor and an immeasurable service to our society. artists should still be paid well and credited for their work, boundaries should be respected. and while there is certainly exploitation and intentional plagiarism, all this does make me wonder about our often automatic insistence that duplicate works must imply an intentional “copying” and a necessary villain.

that two or more people can come to similar ideas or even the exact same one, for me, goes beyond a shared inspiration or someone's subconscious drawing from previous exposure; i believe people can independently come to the exact same point simply and purely because we are drawing from the same place that we all equally “own” and all equally are— our collective consciousness.

i’ll continue percolating on what i think this means for the creative industry. until then, i think we could be nicer to each other sometimes.

so— open hearts, y’all? <3

rude ass people

i’ve been trying a thing. when i come across stank people in real life, i take pause after my initial feeling of offense. i create space for the possibility that they may be going through something or that the only way they know how to cope with their trauma is by being an ass.

doesn’t make it “right” but it’s also their very real reality + ultimately has nothing to do with me. their choices are their own business. their capacity might be less than mine, so i also count my blessings. i try to have compassion instead of taking it personally. within reason, i think it’s better for all involved.

a very detailed review of healthyline crystal mats (my new bff)

update! (6/6/21)

• my code for 10% off & free shipping is back in action!

• enter this code for 10% off and free shipping on any healthyline product: SEHER10S

• on that note, if the mat that i talk about in this review happens to be out of your price range, here are some tips:

  • there are all kinds of sizes available and the smaller mats are way less monies

  • the tao line: know that any of the mats from the tao line will give the same effect (if with PEMF) or a very similar effect (if without PEMF) as the model i mention in this article.

  • the taj line: the mats from the taj line will also deliver a similar experience as the TAO series. to note, when i sampled a TAJ mat, the experience felt relaxing while also a bit stimulating/energizing— for me. everyone’s experience may differ some.

the beginning of an odyssey

listen. this post is an odyssey. there’s something for everyone:

• backstory with some drama (including why i am “meh” about biomat)

• short summary on what healthyline’s crystal-bed therapy mats can do

• by feature breakdown for the nerds

• v cool testimonials from me and a few friends

• in store free trial info for nyc folks

• special discount + free shipping code

• and everything else you never knew you wanted

i did it for you— so someone who has never heard of healthyline or inframat pro or gemstone therapy or far-infrared therapy or negative ion therapy or PEMF before can conceivably get a solid, well-rounded, and grounded understanding of “what this all is”— even if this blog post is all you ever read on the subject.

it’s also a whole lot easier to send my friends to this blog post than recount all of this over and over to everyone i want to tell— that’s a lot. hi, friends :)

to help make reading breezy, i’ve separated everything out by sections. feel free to skip around in whichever way suits you!

the mystical mats no one knew how to describe

earlier this year, i kept hearing people rave about something called the “biomat” on wellness podcasts. their exaltations of what sounded like a glorified yoga mat were totally vague and decidedly emphatic; it was like this cult secret that completely mystified me and simultaneously low-key enraged me— people could not speak clearly about this thing for the life of them.

my initial google searches yielded descriptions just as vague and further maddened me: i did not understand how people could love a thing so much and not have yet figured out how to articulate the thing. as i write this, i realize that in judgily talking about the ridiculousness of things that evade definition, i could easily be describing love itself— so, touché— but also whatever, i was annoyed.

eventually, i go in for a deep dive google session and it becomes clear that the company that makes the biomat is a multi-level marketing situation (aka MLM) and that’s why all the websites that sell them looked shady as shit. as a creative professional who has designed a handful of websites in her day, i will judge the cover of your website or book or whatever else you are using to sell your stuff. i will also buy your crappy gluten-free crackers if the packaging looks good. i digress.

in this search, i also discover that there’s this other company called healthyline that uses more advanced technology, has a wild variety of mats, sells the comparable (and better) version of the biomat for almost half the price, is not MLM, and has a website that doesn’t look like it was made on geocities in 1994. i was also finally able to read a bit of literature on what the frick these kinds of mats do. and as fate would have it, healthyline had a brick and mortar showroom in manhattan.

my two-hour goldilocks scenario at healthyline

at this point, i feel like i want a mat thingie though i’m not fully sure why (i’d become one of those people). but of course being the responsible adult i am, i needed to try this magical wellness device before sealing the deal— and then save for months to actually get it. i thought i was going to swing in for an efficient 30-minute drop-in situation. for those who know me: though i can be short and sweet if i absolutely must, brevity is not my natural state of being.

i ended up at the store for something like two hours, quickly learning that the comparable mat i was seeking was pretty cool and all, but it didn’t hold a candle to healthyline’s newer tech. i sampled three of these fancier mats in their trial area one by one and then cycled back again to compare my experiences. having my sun and mercury both in virgo (aka gimme all the details for all of life), i made sure my conversation with the brilliant salesperson, ana maria, was thorough. engaging with a customer who was sensitive to energy and also able to narrate the nuance of her experience made it a unique encounter for ana maria as well; we both had a really nice time nerding out and trading thoughts.

we were vibing so well that at one point ana maria asked if i could write down something i’d just said about my experience so the company could use the quote in their marketing. ever the businesswoman (who was also trying to get herself a mat ASAP), i was like, “actual-ly…” and here we are.

personal reflections on the tao 8040

first impressions

the mat that i fell in love with at the showroom was hands down the TAO 8040. in fact, the second mat i’m receiving as part of my partnership with healthyline will also be a TAO and will go to my mom.

quick note that when i speak of the TAO series going forward, i am speaking of the versions that are listed as “firm” on healthyline’s site; the firm models are the ones with PEMF— more on that later.

for those who know what it feels like to reach a place of ease and flow while meditating, you might get what i mean when i say that

it felt like the mat was meditating me when i first tried it.

i feel like all i had to do was lie down and be open to being relaxed— and the rest was just done for me. the relaxation i experienced was deep. it felt like was being enveloped in a warm, gentle hug. the come-down from the hyperactivity of my mind was easeful and kind— it didn’t demand anything of me.

underlying the feelings of peace, calm, and balance, was profound grounding and stabilizing. as someone who often lives in my head, i felt back in my body with a starkly present sense of renewal; i suspected that i had been re-centered to what was probably meant to be my natural equilibrium. immediately, i knew this device could be major in helping my anxiety and disembodiment.

what two and a half months of home use look like

when i first received the TAO for my home, my intention was to use it as a way to get myself to meditate for 30-ish min at the start or finish of each day. the way that my discipline is set up these days though, that’s not quite how things went down.

the mat i have is 40 pounds— it’s crushed crystals, after all; so once i’d set it down in an open area next to my bed, i decided that’s where it would live. and turns out that’s where i’ve lived for the last two and half months as well; i’ve slept on the floor on the mat almost every night, save just a handful of times— and i have a very nice actual bed. to note, i could totally put my mat on my bed (with help) or i could have opted for the queen-sized TAO to live on my bed full-time, but i’m weird.

it was interesting timing actually, because i was going through a pretty intense phase of insomnia around then. since moving to new york eight years ago, i’ve on and off had major insomnia— i’m talking going to sleep at 3, 4, 5, even 6am onward when it gets really bad. the two parts that play into perpetuating my insomnia are 1) trouble forcing myself to physically go to bed, and 2) trouble actually falling sleep once i’m in the bed— sometimes it takes hours just to fall asleep.

the TAO has offered me such grace when it comes to my insomniac bedtime woes. though getting into the bed is still a test of will, once i’m on that cozy warm mat, falling asleep is not an issue anymore. sometimes it even helps me feel more rested than i would otherwise on less sleep.

on a recent night, i got to my mat-bed in a particularly stressed out and buzzy mindframe and wasn’t falling asleep as easily. i got a bit worried. and somehow suddenly, i found myself looking back at my mania realizing it had faded slightly; little by little, i felt the mat slowly coaxing off the layers and soon enough, i was at ease and asleep.

because you need to “preheat” the mat to your desired temperature, i don’t normally fire it up in the middle of the day. but a couple weeks ago, i came home super pissed and depleted and decided to take an afternoon nap. it took me a minute to chill out, even on the mat, but eventually it did bring me down and comfort me. i’ve got to say that comfort— this “there, there” feel as your nervous system chills out— is a major thing i’ve received from the TAO.

my nightly routine

it takes about an hour to preheat the TAO 8040 to its highest setting, so when i get up to preheat my mat every evening, i’m also making an intention for my bedtime. i opt for the high heat to really help me relax and shed the physical and mental stress of the day. having those moments to really feel my aches come alive as they respond to the heat remind me that i’m alive, that i have a body, and i need to pay attention to it more. then after 20-30 minutes, i turn the heat down to a safe temperature for sleeping and pretty quickly knock out. 

it’s kind of a miracle compared to what i was dealing with right before i got the mat. in fact, i think that’s why i’ve slept on it every night— because falling asleep without it feels like it could be a crapshoot. to that end, one of the nights that i felt like i wanted to sleep on my bed, i wound myself down on the mat first and then quickly got into bed so i could ride that relaxation wave into sleep.

a formal-ish summary of benefits

broadly, the various mats under healthyline’s “inframat pro” umbrella can be used for supporting general wellness, balancing one’s biological systems, and detoxification. as a more targeted treatment tool, the mats can be used for pain and symptom management for a variety of illnesses and conditions. 

one of the seemingly universal effects of many of these mats, especially those in the TAO series, is deep relaxation and anxiety relief. better sleep, improved mood, and a general sense of wellbeing are also benefits that many, if not most people, are likely to experience.

for those who are wellness practitioners, a healthyline mat could prove a useful addition to your place of practice. as we know, a relaxed body-mind is more receptive to bodywork and wellness treatments such as acupuncture, reiki, massage, and beyond; this receptivity could also open way for deepening the work in a given session.

the concept of receptivity is especially interesting when we look at it from the vantage point of brainwaves. the TAO, for example, can help bring a person into high theta or low alpha brainwave states— those present in deep relaxation, meditation, immediately upon waking, and just before falling asleep. these are known as receptive states and are ideal for healing work because the mechanical mind is quieted, and the subconscious becomes more present, activated, and malleable for clearing and shifting energetic patterning that no longer serves.

because the TAO is layered with so many different therapies— gemstone, far-infrared, negative ion, and PEMF— its possible benefits are not only vast, they also hold the potential to be mutually supportive. collectively, the therapies in the TAO can help harmonize one back to their natural human biorhythm, promote blood circulation, facilitate oxygenation of tissues + the brain, help energize + repair cells, assist repair of nerves + tissues + bones, reduce inflammation, and generally support the repair and maintenance of a variety of foundational biological systems. this upgrade and harmonization of one’s physiology can then in turn can alleviate symptoms of various illness.

notes on wellness consumerism

and even with all the potential benefits, i find it imperative to say that it’s important to be abundantly mindful when it comes to wellness-related purchases. as we’ve all hopefully heard in some way or another by now, having all the crystals in the world won’t “save” us— it’s the inner work and leading a healthy lifestyle that counts the most. various tools can absolutely help us along our process, significantly even; but if we aren’t addressing root causes, we’ll simply find ourselves perpetually treating symptoms. while this can get more complicated when we’re talking about chronic issues, the importance of minding root cause the best you can still holds. so while these mats can offer profound benefits, let this serve as a loving reminder to keep an honest perspective of your personal situation, your motivations, and your intentions when considering this or any wellness product or service.

my friends have a moment

over the course of these last couple months, i had a few friends over to try my TAO 8040. here’s what it was like for them:

ashleigh came with me to the healthyline showroom for my second visit. this was before i received the mat for my home; i was excited to share my experience with a friend who i thought would appreciate the mat. per usual, ashleigh had been non-stop traveling and working. i think she’d maybe arrived on a flight to nyc the night before and hadn’t really slept at all. she told me that her experience on the TAO helped compensate for her lack of rest notably and as someone who has to regularly manage her anxiety, it was most relaxed she’d felt in a long time. to boot, she said it was one of the most relaxing things she’d ever done.

melissa ended up being the very first person on my own mat (before even me) after she mentioned being in chronic pain from plantar fasciitis. she’d recently completed the topaz surgery and was in physical therapy showing marginal improvement with her pain and mobility. at the time, she shared that her experience on the mat was the most effective thing so far in alleviating her pain. melissa shares directly:

my condition has required pills, surgery, and physical therapy three times a week just to be managed. there have been days in which I couldn’t walk a couple blocks to my subway stop without limping. yet after only a blissful hour on the mat, i was immediately able to feel a difference. tendons in my foot that are usually extremely tight were pliable, and the next day i was able to do yoga poses that I haven’t been able enjoy in over a year. don’t get me wrong— the mat isn’t a magic bullet. recovery from any chronic pain condition is long and slow, and requires concerted effort. but the mat may just hold space for you in a way allows that recovery to happen.

isaac was hanging out during melissa’s session and decided to try out the mat for a quick second. when he was done, he was so chill that he had to take a minute to reorient himself to the room. he also thought he was on it for 15 minutes when he was was actually out for 45.

boyuan came over to take a break from the trauma of being amidst displacement from her home; she recounted, “i was in a space of total rage, and within minutes, the mat redistributed my energy throughout my body, and evened me out; specifically, there was a lot of heat in my head, and that was redistributed and also dissipated. i was brought into a relaxed state pretty quickly, and was able to find my breath again. it also grounded me— i could feel that in my feet.”

cara hopped onto the mat for an impromptu session before our friend date with boyuan. she shared, “i couldn’t believe that i could feel the energetic vibrations through my entire body. it was both relaxing and renewing. it was the first time i could lay on my back comfortably without incredible pain in my shoulder caused by a labral tear. it was also great for meditation. i would highly recommend it to anyone seeking relaxation or relief from an injury.”

broadly breaking down individual therapies

the model i chose, the TAO 8040, combines a few different therapies into one mat. below is a high level recap of some potential benefits of each therapy and a bit about how they all work. to note, most healthyline mats contain at least a couple of these therapies. creating this part felt like writing a term paper and took the longest, but i did it because i really want to make this information as accessible as possible for you. and now this can be a reference for me to look back on for quick facts myself!

gemstone therapy (via tourmaline, amethyst, and obsidian)

• the TAO 8040 contains

  • 17 lbs crushed amethyst

  • 2 lbs crushed tourmaline

  • 2 lbs crushed obsidian

• the foundational mechanism for delivering far-infrared rays and negative ions are the crystals (or gemstones) contained in each mat

• in addition to the therapies these crystals help produce, the heated stones themselves promote blood circulation and relief of muscle and joint pain a la “hot stone therapy”

• proper blood circulation supports essential bodily functions by allowing oxygen and nutrients to be efficiently delivered to our organs

• for those of us otherwise familiar with crystals, we also know that crystals alone provide powerful body-mind and metaphysical benefits of their own. some of the hallmark virtues of each stone in the TAO:

• tourmaline: grounding; purifying— protects from and clears lower-vibratory energies (including challenging emotions) within and without; promotes vitality, mental clarity, & self-confidence

• obsidian: grounding & centering; purifying— protects from and clears lower-vibratory energies (including challenging emotions) within and without; brings forth truth

• amethyst: one of the most versatile healing crystals with a huge array of benefits; soothes nervous system & relieves anxiety; balances emotions; protects from and transmutes lower-vibratory energies within and without; invites inner wisdom & higher understanding; supports various physical functions & general health

far-infrared therapy

• far-infrared helps revitalize the human body in a way similar to photosynthesis

• fun fact: sunlight serves as our natural daily source of far infrared rays

• far-infrared promotes general wellness. can help:

• calm and alleviate stress

• reduce fatigue, improve focus, and increase energy levels

• improve quality of sleep

• far-infrared supports the function of the body’s various systems, depending on where applied, by:

• increasing blood circulation

• promoting oxygenation

• relieving inflammation

• natural detoxification: reducing water retention and eliminating metals 

  • particularly when the TAO is used to create a sauna-like experience with a mylar/foil blanket over the body

• far-infrared is cool for pain relief!

• helps relieve pain and stiffness in muscles and joints

• reported to help alleviate discomfort associated with arthritis, lower back pain, muscle spasms, everyday aches, sprains, and strains

• unlike traditional heating pads that only reach the surface of the skin, far-infrared heat penetrates 4-6 inches into the body, allowing for deep tissue and muscle relaxation

negative ion therapy

• negative ions are in nature and our every day lives

• we’re surrounded by feel-good negative ions in the mountains, the forest, and in even greater quantities near large bodies of water like lakes, beaches, and waterfalls

• more accessible everyday sources of negative ions include steamy showers and thunderstorms, with both leave us feeling refreshed as a result of this exposure

• negative ions promote general wellness and help to:

• lift our mood and energy

• relax and de-stress

• oxygenate the brain and clear the mind

• improve the quality of sleep

• detoxify the body and improve its function

• purify air in an environment

• facilitate clear and optimal breathing function

• normalize serotonin levels

• nourish the bloodstream

• positive ions are not the good ones

• positive ions are produced by the technology of our daily lives (laptops, mobile phones, laundry machines, hair dryers, fluorescent lights, etc) as well as environmental contaminants like toxins, allergens, viruses, pollution, and dust

• a prevalence of positive ions will reduce the amount of negative ions in the same environment, a common quandary of modern life, especially in cities

• too many positive ions and thus too few negative ions can contribute to:

  • getting sick more often

  • lethargy and decreased productivity

  • low mood

  • headaches

• more negative ions can help combat and reduce the positive ions in your body and your environment

• negative and positive ions attract one other and cancel each other out

• the result of less positive ions and more negative ions serves to reduce harm and increase healing

PEMF (pulsed electromagnetic field) therapy

• what is PEMF and how does it work?

• the electromagnetic fields (EMFs) most commonly cautioned against are the kind produced by man-made things like wifi routers, power lines, mobile phones, household appliances, and other electrically charged devices

• not all electromagnetic fields are bad; for example, the earth, the sun, and the human body each naturally produce electromagnetic fields

• healthyline mats containing pulsed electromagnetic field (PEMF) technology are tuned to 7.8hz and deliver this frequency via a pulsed sinusoidal waveform

• 7.8hz is the same frequency of the earth, which also closely matches the human biorhythm

• recognizing this parallel offers insight into why setting our feet on the earth has such a deeply grounding and stabilizing effect on us; we can also see why exposing ourselves to this frequency via a healthyline mat could have a similar impact

• by increasing the spin of electrons and creating impact on a cellular level, PEMF works to restore, improve, and maintain the body’s function holistically

• PEMF fun facts:

• healthyline holds the sole patent for offering far-infrared therapy together with PEMF therapy in a single gemstone mat experience

• NASA uses PEMF therapy to help its astronauts reacclimate to earth and heal from the impact of residing in a non-native environment (aka space)

• overall, PEMF can help:

• heal the dysregulation of our systems caused by everyday exposure to EMFs via electronics by clearing out their interfering frequencies

• support overall wellbeing by stimulating individual cells and restoring them to proper function

• relax the nervous system while simultaneously improving vitality

• reduce pain, stiffness, and swelling

  • including from new injuries, surgery, and minor chronic conditions

• accelerate recovery time for injuries

  • with bone recovery, nerve repair, range of motion 

• strengthen the immune system

• reduce inflammation

• remove blockages and stagnation in the body

• expand blood vessels and thereby improve circulation wherever applied

• amplify the impact of other pain relief treatments (i.e. far-infrared therapy)

try it for yourself for free

healthyline mats come in many different sizes, styles, and price points and combine various iterations of therapies. some of their mats offer yet another therapy i haven’t yet mentioned (it’s not in the TAO 8040)— it’s called photon light therapy.

i should add that the TAO 8040 is kind of a “big & tall” size that i opted for because i like the roominess. their standard large size TAO is a bit shorter and narrower— and also a couple hundred bucks cheaper than mine. also, a reminder that only the “firm” TAO models include PEMF.

if you want to try a couple of healthyline’s most popular mats— including the exact one i own— at their manhattan showroom (41 west 36th street), just roll up for a free 20 minute session. no appointment needed! you can also take the opportunity to ask all the questions your heart desires. they’re open 10am-7pm every day.

also know that healthyline offers a 45-day risk-free trial. this basically means that you can try a healthyline mat for at least a month and return it for a full refund— minus the cost of return shipping— if you don’t like it or don’t want it for any reason.

do your own research + safety precautions

i advise that you do at least a little of your own research, be mindful of safety precautions, and take note of contraindications. the healthyline website is a great place to start.

discount code + donation of proceeds

yay! if you decide to go for one of these lil dudes, hop over to healthyline.com and use the below discount code at checkout for 10% off and free shipping. from how i understand it, this code is good foreverrrr:

seher10s

for any purchases made through november 15 using the above code, i’ll be donating all my affiliate earnings to a yet-to-be-determined charity or organization focusing on wellness and/or social good.

leave your questions in the comments

drop your questions in the comments. i’ll keep a closer look for the next week to answer your questions (publicly for everyone’s benefit). afterwards, i may leave you to your own devices!

a messenger on the c train

universal confirmation. today it came through my brief but profound encounter with tamara and trinity on the c train.

our connection occurred in immediate, rapid, and seamless succession. the entire interaction was probably no more than a few minutes.

upon walking in, tamara sat right next to me on the fairly empty train and tiny trinity swung around on her mother’s lap in glee. i wasn’t looking at them as they walked in, but i felt their energy pulling me to turn my head.

i looked up and over— trinity’s face was looking up. she was so joyous. “you’re excited, aren’t you?!” she smiled and wiggled around a bit more. 

tamara then fully flung us into the vortex we’d collectively activated; she began talking as if she were reciting something just for me.

‘telepathy? i believe we [humans] were originally telepathic but were socialized out of it for economic gain.’

she’d seen the google search results for “telepathy” on my phone; up until that point, i was fully engrossed in deciding whether or not to post the above graphic. as part of this process, i’d looked up the dictionary definition of telepathy to decide if i should post the graphic with or without explanation. would people be able to connect with such an “out there” declaration? and per my last post, would they get it? did *i* even get it? similar to my poem-quote thingies, the phrases for my word illustrations come largely from spontaneous, intuitive downloads.

i then flipped my phone screen to the graphic: “telepathy is natural.” the words encompassed the exact sentiment she’d almost compulsively given me a mini speech on. i told her the universe had clearly sent her to me as confirmation.

she began asking me about myself and i wanted to know more about her. my stop came within seconds. though i wanted to skip my stop and talk more, i made the split second decision that it was more “appropriate” to carry on with my intended route. i left with great hesitation, lingering outside the door as i waved goodbye.

“post it!” tamara yelled out, smiling.

some people who cross our paths are meant more as messengers. fitting that the sweet fleeting moments we share are a beauty their own.

<3

the fall and the catch

there was a time when it was quite common for phrases or insights to pop into my head without fully knowing what they meant— some form of channeling, one might say. the first time this poem/quote entered my mind and probably when i shared it, i had a certain fleeting felt sense of what it meant but it still wasn’t something i could firmly grasp.

i went on a qigong retreat near vancouver a few years ago, and the women who i was paired to carpool with said she’d browsed my site and really liked my poetry; she referenced a couple favorites and this was one of them. i remember feeling a little uneasy because i didn’t know how i felt about this poem at that point— in fact, i’d forgotten the subtle body knowing of whatever its meaning was and just had no idea what it meant or why i wrote it. i awkwardly thanked her, feeling hella embarrassed and like a fraud inside.

and then i carried on with my life because whatever. eventually, i remembered that the things that come through me are sometimes not fully baked in my intellect because: 1) they don’t have to be and just because my mind doesn’t hold a given  wisdom doesn’t mean it’s not integrated somewhere else in my being 2) they present an opportunity for me to grow into a given learning 3) they might not be for me and instead for someone else.

anyhoo, somewhere along the way this year, the meaning for this poem clicked back into place in my body somewhere. and it also happens to be that i currently once again need this wisdom in my life. it is this:

when we perceive ourselves to be free falling or failing, it is in fact grace that the universe has offered our unknowing selves. in the fall is the opportunity to learn, to reset, to change perspectives, to let go, to start anew; at the same time that you are falling, you are being held. the falling, thus, is inherently in itself a holding. it is a passage through which you are being carried. regardless of how bumpy, haphazard, or non-linear this space is— it has a design and a meaning that is just for you.

may we all recognize oneness when we dissolve duality.

<3

not even a minute

you are allowed to slow down. if you find it hard to give yourself an empty minute for your mind to rest— hi, welcome to my life of late.

it’s been going on for months, if not the last couple years to a notably intense degree. i’ve known for equally long that a lot of it is because i’m afraid to face myself; the unresolved things going on deeper within me that with even minimal examination, would tell me that it’s time to break and transform a lot of long held habits, beliefs, and paradigms for myself. i haven’t felt ready and so i’ve allowed myself grace.

but there comes a time that the ‘giving yourself grace and space’ thing endures on a bit too long and becomes an avoidant, self-defeating story you’ve begun to tell yourself. you are playing yourself. how you not gonna be who you’re meant to be? who— under all that bullshit conditioning— is what you really are and always were? quit it, seher.

this “go go go” that doesn’t allow you the spaciousness of a single minute, actually comprises a lot of going nowhere; furiously searching the internet, your instagram feed, the analytical labyrinths of your mind, the drama inside of a netflix binge for hours and hours and hours and hours— because maybe there’s an answer to what you’re searching for there.

anywhere but the quiet space inside my body and intuition. because it knows the actual truth. and we don’t want that. that’s work.

so we feast on what’s unreal and then blame our empty stomachs on air.

the illusion of the possibility that we might have actually been able to hold it was so comforting that we welcome excitedly, again and again, the delusion of a productive time pass.

as i continue to stumble over myself a la the monopoly that the everything of nothingness has on my time, i savor that accidental minute when i’m given some pause. that space of time where i’m actually able to feel myself here.

in that sliver is a boundless well of joy, gratitude, and miraculous possibility.

may we all find the sweet quiet moments in ourselves and in our lives more often.

<3

holding duality for my birthday.

you can. i gotta keep telling myself.

yesterday, i turned 36 and took a stroll around the city as i have over my last few birthdays. people watching, practicing mindfulness, popping into shops, and eating some great food along the way. the simple things that allow presence and gratitude fill me up.

after a beautiful lunch honoring south asian women, i walked into the lush and wonderfully curated rizzoli bookstore. almost immediately, i became emotional; all the books were people’s stories and hearts all around me— all the labor, love, tenderness, pain, fervor, triumph, quirks and imperfections of all these human journeys. all these individual truths laid out to be witnessed.

it felt sacred. i found my fingertips grazing the covers, soaking in the simple profundity of this recognition and reality; wanting to intentionally sit and be with all that was in front of me.

one of the first titles i stopped to pick up was dark money by jane mayer— a book that had been recommended to me about a year ago when canvassing for the midterm elections. it’s about how a few billionaire families have been puppeteering american politics and what we should know + perhaps do about it. that shit heavy.

as i was putting that book down, a guy walked up and reached around me to drop back a book he had been browsing— homo deus by yuval noah harari, a renowned oxford educated historian. harari’s titles had also been recommend to me, one of which happens to be the top book reco of mark zuckerberg and bill gates. homo deus, which postulates on the future of humanity, is the second in a triology— first is sapiens, a history of humanity, and third is 21 lessons for the 21st century, a prescription for moving forward in light of the dystopia harari predicts and maps out in homo deus. based off the book jacket, let’s just say that the future feels awful bleak and inhuman.

i felt myself buzzing and lightheaded, hoping to take flight outside of my body somewhere— a place where i didn’t need to make sense of things.

i generally try to shield myself from consuming much at all about the state of the world because it quite literally makes it near impossible for me to function. i largely know what i need to know about what’s fucked up. i’d like to focus on the part where we heal it.

my disembodied frame is standing at a display table in the middle of the bookstore. who knows where we will end up. we might perish soon. i don’t know why, but i figure i should probably try to keep hope.

i compose myself the best i can and tell myself that though i’m falling out, the wisdom of this heralded historian is likely worth the strife to arm myself with the knowledge i need for the fight ahead. i make note to start reading sapiens soon.

i scoot over one or two display tables away. i see oprah’s new book, the path made clear. i remember hearing an audio preview of the book on her podcast and feeling like i could personally do without it. the cover looked corny. nonetheless, i cracked it open to ‘see what this thing was talking about.’

i realized that the book isn’t just about life in general, but it’s about identifying and living your purpose with wisdom, insights, and advice— a companion for the various hurdles along this path. these bits are pulled from oprah’s interviews with successful folks over the years. trying to clarify and figure out how to live my purpose has been the prime focus of my life for the last 3-5 years.

i thumbed through the chapters, doing an extremely cursory skim to get a better feel of what the book was trying to do, and perhaps benefit from an insightful quote or two. i started finding bits that hit and knew this book would be peppered with reminders i really need during this time in my life. i began tearing up. then i found a phrase that almost mirrored the title of a podcast i’ve been meditating on creating for about a year, and that i’ve begun to give more serious attention to in recent weeks.

i was now on the verge of melting into a puddle of tears in the middle of the bookstore. tears streamed down my face and as i sniffled, i felt the security walk away from near me to give me some privacy.

i was crying, first, at the divine orchestration that led me to open up the book despite my initial disinterest. second, and more searingly, i was crying at the contrast of hope and despair i’d experienced just moments apart.

to traverse this wide span of converse emotion in such a short timeframe had me shook; what a wild array of stuff life is.

i came to some conclusions.

i don’t know anything, but i know that a courageously open heart will always win. in light of a dystopian future that might or might not be out of our hands, i believe that love counts for something significant no matter what ultimately happens. it does lighten the load to believe that our bodies are just one piece of the universal puzzle of consciousness.

i am thankful for the reminder of the preciousness of life; to take each moment, each sensation that we are gifted to be able to perceive as a privilege and blessing.

i endeavor to be here, actually here, the best i can with whatever i am given; to allow myself space, freedom, and permission to just be in the world with no agenda, no plan, and no to do list— on a regular basis. to exist in gratitude and intention and fullness in every moment.

in fearing for the future of material existence, i somehow can’t help but be shaken into a piercingly clear recognition of how lucky i am to be here. i consciously receive this existence. thank you. i accept the privilege of honoring this body, this planet, and its inhabitants while i’ve got em <3

tell the truth.

my carpal tunnel type hand and arm cramps kicked back in recently for the first time in a few years. it forced me to use my phone and social media less than the excessive amounts i normally do.

even though my hand aches quite a bit at times, i am grateful for the message of the pain. i’m grateful for even a semi-break— better than none at all.

what a fucking relief. the shift in my mood and energy any time i temper my phone and/or social media use is wild.

social media and mobile phone addiction is real. over the last couple years, it’s really come through for me as a disruptive and troubling force. still sorting/not sorting/probably avoiding this whole thing.

that’s my truth to share of late. what would you like to tell the truth about? if you feel called, i encourage you to bring your truth into this space as well as into your material world life, and let the load off. others may well need to hear it, including me <3

anxiety on 12,000

whose anxiety has been on 12,000 over 2018 + 2019? i’ll often get overwhelming waves of full body or full head buzzing, chaotic energy. it’s incredibly destabilizing and at times debilitating. sometimes it’ll also make me sad because it feels like so much.

it can be challenging to distinguish if it’s coming from me, the collective, the universal energetic shifts, some other shit, or a little bit of everything. and trying to make that discernment amidst the frenetic overwhelm is its own feat.

i know it’s in my own hands to do my practices more, both from a preventative and diagnostic standpoint. in many ways, i know what to do and i don’t— that’s a discussion for another time.

all said, i’m curious to hear from you. how have you been relating to anxiety, spirituality, metaphysics, and the wild energies of the last couple years? what are your favorite anxiety prevention + relief tools? we can never have too many :)

much love <3

i said nothing

there is so much i can say when i don’t say. do you hear me? i said nothing nothing nothing. it was something. did you hear it? silence. could you feel it or did you turn the other way because it made you uncomfortable? i am speaking to you. i am here. do you see me even when you do not see me? because i see you. heaving.

you.

there is no one like you in the world. not everyone will understand you. sometimes, you won’t understand yourself. you will be loved. you will be left. you will feel despair. and hope. sometimes simultaneously. you will beat your fists against the wall and hear nothing. you will lie there sometimes, lifeless. you will rise and begin on a path unknown. you will meet travelers. some will betray you. others will show you your light. you are not alone but you do inhabit this body alone. do you love it? how does it make you feel? remember that you’re all it’s got.

the courage to be disliked and stand alone

a few weeks ago, a book titled the courage to be disliked sprang up on a facebook ad for me. i was so moved by just the title alone, that i posted it to my instagram stories immediately.

the message became louder and louder over the course of that day and the days that followed. signs appeared on my path in an uncannily steady stream:

a few hours later, a friend with some extra audible credits made an offer to gift some folks an audio book of their choice. i looked up the top 10 audible books, which happened to include brené brown’s dare to lead. i reviewed her other recent titles and came across braving the wilderness. the premise: “belonging” by belonging to yourself first— especially when it means sometimes standing alone in order to fully rest in your truth. naturally, i knew which title i was supposed to request.

that evening, an article on arundhati roy came up on my facebook feed. the article was titled as a direct quote from roy: the point of a writer is to be unpopular

late that night / the following morning, i ended up in an interaction that prompted me posting a series of instagram stories about boundaries when people want access to your contacts and/or resources. this is a topic i’d been dragging my feet to speak on for a year in fear of anyone feeling offended, singled out, or triggered. sharing these thoughts definitely required channeling my personal courage to be disliked. interestingly enough, these posts ended up being some of my most popular posts on stories— by far. they also potentially resulted in some unfollows. my previous blog post shares more about the topic if you’re interested.

that afternoon, while searching for something unrelated in a facebook group, i came across the courage to be disliked once again— this time, as part of a recommendation someone was making. casual.

the next day, i found a piece of paper in my purse— it was from a discussion i’d facilitated a couple weeks prior at the wing. at the close of the discussion, i prompted guests to write down a commitment to themselves. we mixed up all the bits of paper in a bowl and on their way out, folks pulled out a random person’s commitment. here’s what i found:

“i will acknowledge my whole being— stop disowning parts of myself just to save the discomfort of someone else.”

my takeaways here:

i need to stand in my truth (sometimes alone)— even and especially when it’s scary.

and i think i’m here to tell you that if this all resonates, you do, too.

<3

what having boundaries with personal resources really means

i love supporting my people, my community, marginalized and invisibilized folks, people with whom i resonate, and those i share common challenges with. i enjoy doing so in a way that is not only nourishing to those receiving from me, but also a healthy choice for myself and others concerned or involved. i am disinclined to engage with people who feel expectant or entitled to me or my resources. passive-aggressiveness is also met with deaf ears. i shared the below mapping on my instagram stories a few weeks ago and many people found resonance. so i am sharing it again here. peace <3

just because someone is:

• a woman

• a woman of color

• a person who i share commonalities with

• a person i generally like

does not mean i will automatically do what they want me to do, give them what they want from me, or hook them up with resources (people, things, institutions)

this does not mean that: 

• i’m a hater

• i’m being competitive

• i’m hoarding resources 

• i’m reveling in gatekeeping

• i’m operating from ego

• i don’t like a given person 

• i don’t respect a given person

• i don’t want everyone to win

this does mean that:

• i am very discerning

• i am very deliberate/purposeful 

• i take very seriously who and what i offer my time, energy, resources, and co-sign to

• i honor my boundaries and capacity 

• i don’t owe anyone anything 

• i am courteous of my network and their time, energy, and boundaries

• i have no interest in doing something i don’t want to just because someone else wants me to  

love is

being in love is a fractional concept; a limited attempt to grasp and express love’s infinity.

there is constriction in its selectivity, its specificity. an innocent cloudiness in the bliss. we think we’ve found home. in a way, we have.

being in love feels more like a stepping stone, a window. the vibration of another resonates with a matching counterpart within us— we vibrate. this feeling: a taste of all-permeating divine oneness. we are in recognition, remembrance of our true nature. to love and to be loved is a mirroring.

our loves are not “the ones,” exceptional unicorns uniquely deserving of our bright eyes. our loves are guides and messengers of the truth of what and who we all are. the truth of all beings: that we are love and our fabric is a single shared universal consciousness.

experiencing love is an awakening. it is an expansion that will always live with us should we choose to accept this gift. the loss of a body or a relationship can never destroy or negate the opening that was created.

being brave for love in all forms at every opportunity, without stifling it by qualification; our hearts flower open more each time, breath becomes easier. life becomes more of a being and a knowing than a doing. there is freedom.

i find myself leaning towards the softness and sweetness of simply being unconditional love; where we are deeply “in love” with all beings, all at once, at all times, without exception. i think it’s the secret to all things.

<3

hello, shadow.

i’ve been hearing the word “negative” a lot in the wellness space recently; negative feelings, negative energy, negative people, negative habits, etcetera.

to call something negative is to negate it— to remove credence and worthiness from it. it is a dangerous judgment that we  casually make on all sorts of things, people, and situations on a daily basis.

as you may have read on a recent post about  permission and empowerment, i believe our words impact our subconscious and well-being more than we realize.

what actually happens when label our feelings, for example, as “negative?” well, our subconscious becomes conditioned to believe that these particular feelings suck. and then we may be led to believe that we suck, or are weak, or are failures. it doesn’t matter if these beliefs reach our conscious minds or not— our subconscious, the chief control center that pulls our lil human puppet strings, will be operating on these beliefs.

okay, so let’s say a person’s subconscious has decided they are whack as hell because they have challenging feelings they’ve judged as “negative” (and then probably suppressed or brushed aside). let’s say that this person’s conscious mind believes that they mostly like themselves. let’s posit this person also happens to be simultaneously living their best life on the outside— because that high-functioning “fight” of fight-flight-freeze fame is some real ass shit when your subconscious is trying to overcome your conditioning by giving you the illusion of safety...

what can happen from here is that the suppressed emotions and unchecked self-judgments can turn into mental or physical illness. they can also turn into chronic, seemingly random “the world is against me” life patterns— in relationships, career, whatever. these are classic examples of stagnant or blocked energy/qi/life force being expressed via the body-mind connection.

that’s poo, you guys! you know what’s more fun? deciding that our “negative” emotions are not fucking negative. they just *are*— they simply exist. what our challenging or lower-vibrational emotions actually are are *information.* they’re a little autonomic flag or response that goes off to tell us that there’s something to look at— that something within us is out of alignment. both internal and external stimuli, as we know, can trigger these flags.

when we allow our understanding of challenging emotions to be that simple, we take the charge and judgment and feelings of failure and overwhelm off of them. doesn’t “challenging” sound more accurate in this context? what we’ve historically called “negative” emotions are actually emotions that are challenging us to stop and pay attention to what is challenging us deeper within.

this is shadow work. there is a reason why i made the background of this graphic a bright, optimistic yellow. because shadow work— going deep inside our “dark,” hidden places— can be *simultaneously* nerve-wracking, scary, exciting, life-giving, confusing, nourishing, illuminating, intimidating, empowering, and even joyous. the binary of this experience itself is the heart of shadow work: the recognition and compassionate acceptance of the inherent duality of the earth plane and the human experience. we can hold seemingly opposing forces at once— and when we do, we can let out a deep sigh of relief. we are still here, we are still whole.

as someone who devoted about half a year in 2016 to go deep into my shadow— i kind of made healing my job— i can tell you that it is profoundly liberating, comforting, and transformational. funny, because it was only when some people close to me judged me (out of concern and a desire to help) for being “too deep in it” that i felt devastated and started spiraling; i was the greatest mess for those two weeks that i chose to accept their assessment that i was wallowing and attached to my pain.

and this is what causes most of us further pain when addressing pain— the judgment of the pain itself and the shame that we are feeling it. this response creates contraction, which in addition to amplifying the pain, restricts the healing process. healing requires the opposite of contraction: expansion.

once i decided that i no longer believed their judgment, i immediately came back into my power; i allowed myself to embrace my deep *knowing* that i was in fact sitting squarely inside my pain so i could offer it recognition, honor, love, compassion, and space to fully express itself— and in so doing, i was alchemizing this energy, freeing it from contraction back to its natural and neutral state of “is-ness” (the natural state of all beings).

now coming back full circle to applied practice per the language piece;  particularly when speaking about personal and interpersonal development work, i do my best to avoid “negative” as a term. instead i try to use phrases like the following:

• lower-vibrational energy
• challenging emotions
• non-resonant people
• limiting beliefs

even though these aren’t perfect themselves (because labeling is a function of separation and supports the illusion of 3d duality— all is ultimately neutral and oneness), i believe they have a much lower charge than “negative.” really, you can use any of the above prefixes interchangeably for a variety of uses.

less limiting language and harsh self-judgments, more loving, accepting, and seeing the whole as all parts worthy! there are no mistakes, all is by design. <3

remember to exhale

some years ago, a therapist told me that i tend to subconsciously hold my breath. i learned that this habit comes from subconscious anxiety (probably amongst other things) and that such limiting of my oxygen intake can erode my health over time. i was paying attention.

now when i catch myself— which is typically daily— i let out a big, big exhale.

and then i let in a big deep breath and exhale again— slowly or swiftly, whatever is needed in the moment.

i often say to myself, “exhale exhale exhale.”

this becomes a pretty powerful opportunity for in-the-moment awareness as well. i might ask myself:

• what am i “holding my breath” about?

• or, what am i holding onto?

• what am i afraid will happen?

• is there something i’m secretly dreading?

• what am i hiding from?

• what might be making me feel tense or uneasy?

• do i feel unsafe right now? why?

• am i disallowing flow and trust in this moment somehow?

• am i simply holding onto generic anxiety because that’s what i’m used to?

what often arises upon answering any of these questions is a realization of some sort of subconscious “clenching.” typically, this clenching— or bracing— is the result of repetitive thoughts or beliefs about the “reality” of our world, our lives, ourselves being erroneously deemed truth and subsequently embedded as a broken record in our subconscious.

once we recognize this subconscious fight or flight (or freeze) loop is silently draining our life force, our exhale allows us to gently recognize and release our false narratives, moment by moment.

exhale and let go, loves. i’m doing it right here with you <3

why we do that unsolicited advice thing and how to stop

unsolicited advice: that boundary violation when someone prescribes their will upon you.

the idea of “should” is way too hella much embedded into our culture.

however subtle or seemingly harmless, the person on the receiving end often feels uncomfortable, annoyed, frustrated, condescended, pressured, unseen, and disregarded. yet many of us continue to dish it nonetheless— why?

what is this irresistible compulsion to give our two cents? and to double down upon resistance, even?

identity and ego.

the identified mind creates ideas of what it believes the world is and references these ideas when deciding how to move about life— on the most base level, in the interest of survival.

our egoic minds and constructed identities are ultimately fragile holograms and our subconscious knows this; it knows that our true selves are formless and devoid of the “i.”

and so, if we are too attached to our egos and identities, our safe space resides in a clearly defined, delicate box. then when anything feels divergent from my safe space construct of a sound reality, it is perceived as an actual threat to *me* and my very existence.

we try to organize and control the world around us as if it were a simulation of what our minds have decided is “right” and therefore “safe.” that’s not real life, though! and it ain’t no funnnnn.

when i learned these concepts in therapy several years ago, it blew my mind and changed my life.

so much of the pain we cause ourselves and others is because of this death grip we keep on our egos and identities as a form of protection. we think that if another person doesn’t see the world how we do or live their lives per our values, that their refusal is an affront to our own goodness, worth, and “rightness.” we question our own freedom to safely exist as we are.

once i really digested this and began to observe what was behind my urges to tell people about themselves, i saw my “advice” was often more about me than the other person. i also started to notice how crazy much everyone does this unsolicited advice thing. and as i stopped imposing my will upon others, i became further sensitized to and uncomfortable when others tried to impose their will upon me or someone else.

what i’ve done since is my best to:

1) ask people if they want feedback or my thoughts before giving it. and be totally fine if they say “no!”

2) cut “should” out of my vocabulary and replace it with things like: “you could consider,” “have you thought about,” “it might be helpful to,” leading questions, personal accounts, etc

best wishes if you decide to take this journey! it’s been a mutually affirming one for both me and folks on the receiving end.

empowerment makes me uncomfy

the popular usage of ”empowerment”— particularly in relation to self-development, the current women’s movement, wellness communities, and inspirational leaders— has long triggered unease within me; beyond gross overuse, i feel the way the term is often used is incorrect— and insidiously disempowering to the subconscious as a result.

some definitions i pulled across a handful of online dictionaries, including merriam-webster, cambridge, and oxford:

1. to give (someone) the authority or power to do something

2. to give official authority or legal power to

3. enable (to provide with the means or opportunity)

4. to give someone official authority or the freedom to do something

5. to enable or permit

6. to make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights

7. to encourage and support the ability to do something

8. to promote the self-actualization or influence of

for me, definitions one through five cover the formal empowerment of someone by granting them access to execute a certain position or action of power within a given institution or system. depending on context, this can be a fair naming, particularly when operating to “correct” systemic imbalances and injustices; the privileged using their means to empower the disenfranchised rightfully exists as one tool, amongst others. though some might get it twisted, such empowerment is not a transference of actual agency, ability, or deservingness, which every person innately possesses— it is largely  functional and surface in nature.

then we arrive at definition six— the deeply troubling common usage definition in wellness and women’s communities; here, the first five definitions are rolled up to imply that one human can somehow “make” another human stronger and more confident. we can sure be deluded into this notion, but only after we decide— consciously or subconsciously— to give our own power away first. that this is a formal definition makes my head spin.

as far as i’m concerned, the only way it is possible for one person to empower another— i.e. give permission or power to— is by also giving power to systems of oppression and the victim-savior paradigm. our power is not derived from another. the power of our essential nature cannot be given, taken, or transferred— it can only be illuminated; others can inspire us to open to our truths but true empowerment can only ever come from within.

the only definitions i find relatively sound within a psychosocial context are seven and eight as they have a supportive quality— focusing instead on inspiration and promotion around self-actualization and self-empowerment.

but even then, i wonder how much we can escape the common usage assumptions embedded in our subconscious: “empower” as a subject oriented verb inherently disempowers the object by assuming its lack of agency and erasing its innate power. these subtle disempowering suggestions that have pervaded our collective subconscious require us to believe that we need something or someone outside of ourselves to be truly powerful— to “fix” us, to “heal” us, to “give us permission.” this is false, capitalistic, imperialist, supremacist, oppressive bullshit. it is quintessentially “giving our power away.” i don’t feel fucking empowered when someone suggests that they can empower me. making someone or something outside of ourselves the actor within contexts of empowerment, healing, and permission/agency is harmful, reductive, and regressive— let’s take some heavy pause here, please.

we wholly empower ourselves, heal ourselves, and give permission to ourselves— any outside influences are conduits and facilitators— that’s it. anyone claiming differently— saying they are saving, healing, fixing, allowing, empowering you (giving you power)— is quite possibly a false leader coming from ego.

even in healing modalities where say, someone performs a chakra clearing on you: your body, your energy, and your subconscious are active participants in these processes by offering permission, access, insight, and the willingness to shift— whether or not you are consciously aware of this. we are our own healers, even when we have assistance— healing fundamentally cannot happen without our consent or participation.

a quick shift back to institutional  empowerment: though technically another can empower us in these situations, self-empowerment is still the purest and truest form of empowerment at the root level— even here. for example, the act of white people empowering people of color by offering them job roles will not alone correct racist institutions— or the issue of racism; as such, this deference or assignment by a white person or “white” institution to a person of color is still a phenomenon occurring within the original oppressive paradigm; it is “empowerment” only to a degree.

as much as we must do what we can within existing constructs, we can’t take for granted the need for imagining and building new paradigms from scratch ourselves, where terms like “diversity” and “inclusion” are no longer needed because our new systems are inherently sound and of integrity.

all said, in it being a word deeply intertwined with current movements, i don’t believe “empowerment” is going away any time soon. so my hope is that we at least use it and receive it with more discernment, awareness, self-respect, and humility— and that we explore fuller, truer ways to express how we are supporting each other in collective healing and liberation.

much love <3

i don’t owe anyone my inner world

upon deciding that i wanted to talk a bit about my depression that consumed the second half of my 2017, it took me a moment to realize that my previous post was in part about the bliss i was able to connect with earlier in that same year. i also recalled how the bliss itself was borne in response to pain. all around, the duality of that year was profound.

over the course of 2018, i couldn’t quite comprehend what the fuck 2017 was. because 2018 was confusing as all hell on its own; it was this extended sense of being suspended in transience, which i was aware of the whole time and simultaneously knew that it wasn’t something i could control or fight. i just had to be in this long ass incubation period of what felt like a whole lot of nothingness.

i still don’t have enough distance from 2018 to have much clarity on what quite happened— but my sense is that my system was integrating the rollercoaster of transformational experiences and deaths/rebirths that 2016 and 2017 brought me.

now having some distance from 2017, however, i can see what an important example of duality it was. it’s fascinating to know that what we view as opposite or polar are never too far apart— particularly with the recognition that duality itself is a construct. the only thing that is actually true and real is oneness.

i remember being awe struck by the daoist view of impermanence and the ever-changing nature of what we view to be opposite or contrasting; for example, light is not light but light-becoming-dark and dark is not dark but dark-becoming-light. because everything is constantly shifting, a static assumption or prescription upon anything is essentially inaccurate and moot. it’s deep and something i’m still unpacking.

existential interlude aside, i want to share a couple stories related to my experience with depression— particularly within the framework of vulnerability, authenticity, and personal boundaries.

to first offer some foundational context: i was on and off depressed from 15-25, then was totally in the pits from 25-27, and started therapy at 27 in 2010. i felt the depression pretty much fully lift after my first eight months of therapy and my first two months of a naturopathic regimen for my neurotransmitter imbalances. since then, i’ve had depressive dips for a week or two on a handful of occasions over the years and one few month long very low point around early 2013.

what i experienced in 2017 was the longest and most nuanced, shape-shifting, unrelenting depressive period i’ve experienced since what brought me to therapy in 2010. shit was real as fuck. basically, a succession of deeply traumatic and very unpleasant challenging things happened back to back to back— it took me out and knocked me all the way off center.

thankfully, i had my awareness tools to keep from completely going off the deep end, but i was literally teetering on the very edge of that hole for months. it took all my energy to at least just stay teetering and not fall in. after several months, i got two steps away from the hole— my awareness allowed me to measure that— and it took everything in me for another several months to maintain those two steps away from the hole. sometime in the first quarter of 2018, i felt like i got beyond two steps and finally was able to feel more grounded and self-possessed.

in fall 2016, i started sharing my poem-quote things and occasional reflective thoughts on instagram; some people decided i was wise and woke and zen and shit. i am, thanks. i’m also human and have eccentricities and quirks and seeming inconsistencies and personal boundaries. though that may be confusing for some, i get to contain all of that and still be authentic and in integrity.

in fall 2017, during the peak of the aforementioned deep depressive period, i ran into an acquaintance at an event.

she asked me how i was and before i could answer, she said something to the effect of, “and i know you being you, you’re gonna keep it real and not just be like, ‘i’m great!’ if you’re not.” i know she meant to be complimentary, but it was not what i needed to hear in the moment.

in those months, my whole life had been consumed around salvaging my mood the best i possibility could; my own thoughts on ‘how i was doing’ were already encroaching on my space in my alone time. i had decided in advance to do my best to act as if i was okay during this event— because that’s what i needed; i needed a goddamn break.

i got extremely uncomfortable and began wondering if i was inauthentic because i didn’t want to put energy on naming that i wasn’t well. i wanted to answer that i was good and move on to some other type of conversation that i could actually enjoy.

i told myself that saying “good” was true in a sense; because ultimately, i am always alright. and at that time, i was simply experiencing an ebb of my human experience.

i think my discomfort with her remark and my ensuing internal conflict blew my cover; i’m quite certain she felt my reservation and unease when i said “good.” it changed the vibe. and i mostly didn’t care. i wasn’t there to cater to her vision of me.

i chose my self-preservation. and that’s what i’ll choose in the vast majority of cases. i know how useless and even harmful i can be when i’m unwell and not tending to my needs. when i’m real low, any filter i’ve got to maintain a semblance of normalcy and civility with the outside world is paper thin— i know this.

i don’t think we need to feel obligated to say we’re feeling unwell while we are still amidst that experience; it doesn’t help my healing to put energy on a given challenging thing that i’m already working on for the sake of updating someone— especially an acquaintance—perfectly truthfully.

when i’m not intentionally going into my shadow to do work, i want to focus on light to help raise my vibration. note, there is a distinction between mindfully raising my vibration and avoidance/distraction.

online and on social media, there’s a  pressure to name our precise reality while we are still inside of a challenging time— in the spirit of “vulnerability” and “authenticity.” nah.

internet and instagram vulnerability culture has distorted our vision on boundaries and what actually constitutes healthy sharing. this culture, which can also be beautiful, has also somehow allowed certain folks to think that they have license to our inner worlds.

our own vulnerability isn’t supposed to harm us. and it isn’t a service to others if we are self-sacrificing our health to share before we feel ready.

important: vulnerability online isn’t a replacement for professional help if you think you might need that. no shame in it— i’ve been in some form of therapy or another for a decade.

some things are only meant for specific people and specific communities in my life. and even then, that doesn’t mean i ever owe *anyone* anything i don’t feel called to share. for more introverted folk like me, certain things may be meant for us alone (and perhaps a therapist or healer, if inclined).

basically, we don’t owe the internet shit— least of all our bleeding hearts. <3

living the feeling first: a means to manifestation

i’ve been thinking about joy lately, especially as it being a way of manifesting our dreams even before they materially come to fore;

a couple nights ago, i picked up the book creating money by sanaya roman after a long while. i re-read my notes and a bit more of the book. i’m only about 20 pages in; i tend to read very intentionally, stop to reflect a lot, and simultaneously take notes.

in my review, i was reminded of a powerful perspective shift:

i manifest best when i choose to *right now* genuinely live out the higher qualities i believe money (or whatever i’m looking to manifest) will bring into my life.

an exercise + illustration:

• think of something you’d like to manifest

• what higher qualities do you think that manifestation will bring into you and your life?

• what are some easily accessible ways you can bring those qualities into your life now— today, this week, in this moment?

unfolding the perspective shift:

• i want more money because i believe it will bring me freedom.

• i realize that i can also easily access the feeling of freedom when i’m being silly, when i’m being fully myself, when i see children being free, when i deeply connect with someone in a way that i can almost touch the entire universe in that moment

• when i choose to be in the vibration of freedom *now*, i am calling in the matching/correlating vibration of that which i desire. and because i am coming from a place of authentic connection to source, i am simultaneously manifesting 1) what i *really, actually* want and 2) more precisely for my highest good.

before finding this book, i intuitively created a similar practice and paired it with intentional action towards manifesting the money i needed. with this way, i catapulted myself out of major, heart-wrenching brokenness in early 2017.

it was a time where every other day i was getting notices of bills being declined, my credit cards were maxed out, i had no idea how i’d be paying rent, and my cash was just enough to feed myself.  it was the closest i’d ever been to feeling like i could soon be out of choices— and would possibly need to move back to cali to live with my parents.

i decided that if this was it, i was going to respond in the best way i possibly could and opt out of weaponizing my pain against myself. i was going to live my best life with what i had been given. it almost felt like that choice was all i had left.

i chose to:

1. live in joy anyway, because i was alive— that was something i did have

2. try my best to turn things around— i did have agency over my actions

3. accept any outcome with grace— i always have a choice in how to respond

from this space, i found myself the happiest and most magnetic i had ever been— socially, financially, and with the opportunities that flowed to me like a force of nature (because it literally was).

since then, my path has ebbed and flowed as i continue to dismantle old programming and belief systems. however, now i have the gift of the experience and evidence of what is possible. i know what i can access when i am in flow. i know that making *who i choose to show up as* my starting point is what truly creates the type of life-affirming magic that is beyond dreams.

the belief that something outside of us will give us the higher qualities we desire is false; if we do end up manifesting what we think we want while we are out of alignment, it’s always ultimately a lesson of some sort. sometimes we can be taken through a long journey before we realize we are still unhappy and unfulfilled. think about the loads of celebrities who have all their “dreams” come true, only to feel more alone and lost than ever. most might not show it, but this phenomenon is very very real.

dreams without grounding in your higher qualities usually end up empty.

if i lack freedom in my life already— before having the money i desire— deep down i will continue to lack freedom even once i have said money; that is, until i practice cultivating freedom from within and with what is already available to me.

so, let’s ask ourselves:

how am i choosing to engage my most basic blessings on a day to day?

how am i showing up as “the person i think i’ll be when i have everything i want” *today*— right now, in this moment?

much love <3